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Santa’s List

Santa's "Naughty or Nice" List Revealed!

Santa’s ‘Naughty or Nice’ List Revealed!

Chris Johnson– Really, really, really, NICE. The only person in the Volunteer State not incredibly stoked on you is LenDale White who inevitably saw a reduced role on the team after you put up 1,100 plus yards and 9 TD’s on the Titans’ offense. Santa says you’ll get 100 glazed donuts for Christmas. Just be sure to put them in FatDale’s locker next preseason and you’re sure a shoe- in for 300 carries in 2009.

Clinton Portis– NICE. You’re still a motha f***ing star in Washington, and I’m not sure quite how you do it. Jason Campbell (QB) is pretty basic and so is the rest of the offense. Santana Moss helped spread the D out but, Portis, you got it done this year without a plethora of weapons on your team.  Santa says you’ll get a gram of grass and a Napolean Dynamite (Director’s Cut) DVD in your stocking this year so you can perfect your Dolemite Jenkins character in the offseason.  Clinton, you are really weird..but good!

Chad Johnson– You’re NAUGHTY, you prick! You are a crybaby, a selfish d-bag, grotesque to look at with your arrogant gold-plated smile and you just plain sucked this season. I can’t believe I traded Donner AND Blitzen for you in my fantasy league at the begining of the year, assuming you’d get it together. I’m not even coming by to drop off a lump of coal in your stocking on Christmas Eve. I’m just going to treat you the way you treat the Bengals in summer camp… ignore your existence.

Roddy White– Hey man, congratulations. You really hushed all the skeptics who doubted you before the year started. I too, thought last year was a fluke for you and highly doubted you were capable of repeating 2007 numbers, especially given a rookie quarterback and an average O-line to work with this year.  You get a stocking full of love from Santa, and in turn I’ll be burning my Terrence Mathis jersey since YOU are now the franchise leader in single season yards. I’ll also be burning that jersey because I could care less about the Falcons…

Edgerrin James– You’re nice but you are older than my wife. Come to Hawaii with me after Christmas and just stay there for a really long time. I guess what I mean to say is… retire. Tim Hightower is a stud and your days are numbered in Arizona and probably the NFL.  For Christmas:  The 2004 Colts Highlight reel, so you don’t forget how badass you used to be.

Jay Cutler–  Jay, I used to have an elf  up here at the North Pole.  His name was Craig.  Craig would always walk around my workshop talking about how “good” he was, and how much “better” he was than any of the other elves.  I got tired of it.  One day after taking a couple Zanex and downing a few Silver Bullets, I took him out back and shot him in the head.  That’s kind of the way I feel about you.  Your stocking stuffer this year: an ego check.

Aaron Rogers– Kudos, amigo! Mighty fine job this year! Taking the helm in Green Bay after Brett Favre is about as hard of a job as it would be to cruise into Jerusalem after the death of Jesus and humbly tell everyone that you were the new Lord and Savior.  You’ve posted better numbers this year than your predecessor has in New York.  There’s nothing I can leave you for Christmas this year. You already have what you need: a bright future in Wisconsin.

Well, I’m off to finish a few minor repairs on the sleigh and figure out what I’m getting for John Mayer. More to come from Santa’s Naughty or Nice list next week.

December 19, 2008 - Posted by | Fantasy Football, NFL, Stupid Athletes, Talkin Trash, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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