’s Blog

Various Sports Mutterings from!

Power Fakings

It’s Tuesday morning which means that every sports website, blog, and flyer left on your windshield at the grocery store posts their “Power Rankings.”  Across the board ESPN, FOX Sports, and SI all have the Celtics sitting atop the NBA list.  The C’s are followed by the Cavs and the Lakers.  That’s cool.  When you look at the NFL opinions vacillate between the Giants, Colts, Steelers, and Titans.  Cool, as well.  Here’s the beef, the static, the bone to pick.  After numbers 1-5, who really cares about Power Rankings?

Let’s be honest, if you’re the 26th ranked team in any league, do you have any power to speak of?  “The big mover this week are the Milwaukee Bucks, up 4 spots from 22 to 18.”  We’ve all heard or read that quote about any team you care to fill in the blank with.  That’s just flat out ridiculous.  That’s the same thing as giving kids participation ribbons in martial arts tournaments when they get their asses kicked.   Once again, in an effort to make everyone feel good and feel apart of things we’re giving kudos to mediocrity.  If you’re not in the top 5, then you’ve got no clout.  In the Olympics do we care anything about anyone outside of the top 3?  Nope.  Is there an award for ending the year number 15 out of 30?  Nope. 

Well, since it is Tuesday please allow the FlyMaster to drop his Power Rankings.  This is a global sports list and anyone plus everyone is eligible.  Let’s drop it.

10.  DUIs – No misdemeanor has more influence on Saturday and Sunday nights throughout all sports seasons.  DUIs lead to press conferences, MADD letters to the editor, and the proverbial “The details of this incident will come out in due time” quote from the team.

9.  Alyssa Milano – Sam Micelli has grown up to be the official slump buster or slump causer for many a pro athlete.  Brad Penny.  Check.  Derek Lowe.  Check.  I bet Sean Avery has something to say about that too.  She’s had more influence on the Dodgers bullpen than Orel Hershiser ever did.

8.  John Daly – If you think you have problems, then look at Daly and you’ll automatically feel better.  The man is a martyr for the common man.  John screws up so we don’t have to.  That’s a real friend.

7.  Shark Week – Education + death = social improvement.  Nuff said.

6.  Michael Phelps – Any swimmer that is making waves in the dead of winter has mad pull.  Last time the FlyMaster hopped in a pool after September his testicles swam back up into his stomach, thus improving his falsetto to the highest level of operatic beauty.  The Flylady, however, was sorely disappointed and remains completely unsatisfied.

Snuggie in Effect

Snuggie in Effect

5.  The Snuggie – This full body blanket is sweeping the nation.  Commercials play every five minutes on ESPN.  Entire families are now outfitted like twenty-first century Druid dorks.  Images of ladies knitting, young girls texting, and of course Uncle Ralph doing some hand jive while voting for his favorite Fly Girls, are what the Snuggie is all about. 

4.  NHL and MLS – Just kidding.

3.  Tiger Woods – Tiger revealed that he was nursing the torn ACL/suspect knee since 2002.  Okay, so this guy dominated the PGA for 6 years while rolling on a bum wheel.  Was he just making it fun for himself?  Phil Mickelson needs to find a better sports bra and the rest of the PGA should start pairing up and playing best ball to keep up with Ger when he comes back with two legs. 

2.  Malaria – Malaria is always a threat to steal the game.  Trevor Hoffman, Goose Gossage, and Lee Smith combined don’t close the job like Malaria does.  Malaria is the Bernard Hopkins of vector based diseases.  It just keeps coming and coming.

1.  Sports Cliches – Where would sports be without the lame cliche?  Would coaches, announcers, and players even know how to speak if they weren’t speaking cliche?  “We just came out and played hard.”  “The intangibles will be the key.”  “We dug deep…deeper than we’ve ever dug before.”  “We’re gonna take this negative and turn it into a positive.”  “That’s why you play the game.”  “His basketball IQ is off the charts.”  ” You can feel the momentum swinging.”  “We just take it one game at a time.”  “I just want to thank my lord and savior.”  Once again the sports cliche runs the day.

FlyMaster Signing Off…For Now!

December 23, 2008 - Posted by | Features & Opinions, General, Talkin Trash


  1. ha, the Snuggie reminds me of Monk Wear. On that note, I ordered 5 for family and friends!

    Comment by raginrondo | December 23, 2008 | Reply

  2. I really can’t stand looking at Michael Phelps… but true he is making waves in the winter, which is impressive!

    Comment by statdragon | December 24, 2008 | Reply

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