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What the Hell is That? Volume 2

Steroids for Kids? Damn!

Steroids for Kids? Damn!

A father’s love knows no bounds.  Fathers dedicate themselves to providing their kids with the best opportunities to succeed, protect them from and prepare them for the awaiting world, and of course, give their kids steroids as motivation to become better athletes.  Meet Mr. Todd Gerleman, an Iowa resident who expressed his love for his 14 year old son by injecting the boy with steroids and supplying him with a cocktail of pills.  Do you smell “Father of the Year” yet?  Well, let the story unfold.  Gerleman’s dedication to his son’s competitive excellence only became apparent after his son assaulted his mother in what police described as a “steroid rage.”  Mom obviously wasn’t on the same page as the Gerleman boys.  By the way, Gerleman is pronounced “girlie man.”   Back to our story of father-son bonding.  Gerleman said he was giving his son steroids as a means to motivate him in sports.  Damn, that is some out of the box thinking.  “Here son, the road to success begins with me shooting some unnatural shit into your butt.”  Play like a champion today. 

First of all, look at this fool’s mugshot.  Is that the face of a motivational speaker?  Why are most cats busted for steroid dealing overweight?  I guess the NWA warning of  not “getting high on your own supply” resonates with the ‘roid dealers of the world.  Secondly, his son is a high school wrestler (already a suspiciously homoerotic subculture) and this guy is basically using his son as a guinea pig.  This defines perversion.  Ok, before we condemn the man let’s listen to the case…let’s give the Gerleman some props.  He’s definitely thinking outside of the box.  In a time when the sports world has rallied against steroids and performance enhancers, Gerleman stood strong in his convictions.  A rogue salmon swimming down stream while the rest of the pack swam upstream to spawn.   It takes true belief in one’s progeny’s capabilities to want to inject them with steroids thereby increasing the size of his frontal lobe while simulataneously shrinking his nuts to the size of sunflower seeds.  Acne on the back?  That’s comes with the glory of being Iowa State Wrestling champ.  Gerleman is the sports equivalent of those backwoods militia men who ride around on ATVs while spewing the “Freedom Or Death” rhetoric through their missing front teeth.  Gerleman is in a league of his own, and I don’t encourage you to join this league.

In my attempts to improve my son’s performance in his 6 and under soccer league I’ve too use methods that may be deemed unorthodox, unethical, unusual, maniacal, and laced with evil.  I can’t afford steroids, and my disdain of synthetic drugs prevent me from concocting any cocktails, but the FlyMaster has his methods.  Method one is called “pull my chariot with your teeth.”  This involves me sitting in a red wagon while he chomps down on a twine tether and pulls me up the driveway.  This is great for leg strength, determination, neck stability, and is an adjunct way of flossing.  Don’t mind the bloody gums.  They get used to that.  Method two is called “get a job muthaf**ker.”  You got to pay to play, and having mundane jobs teaches kids the value of getting to play games.  Plain and simple.  Each day after school I drop him off at the life insurance agency and he gets busy trying to slang policies.  He’s not bad for a six year old, but I’d never buy from him or tell him he’s doing well.  Got to keep their mental state slightly fragile.  Method three is called “play with the big boys son.”  This involves putting him on the field with his dad’s crew of roughneck soccer players.  Now the FlyMaster plays with a crew of Irish miscreants, salty Mexicans, angered Englishmen, two Argentinian jerks, and some old-school pipe smoking brothas.  We put the FlySon in goal and practice taking penalty shots at him.  Trick is, we blind fold him.  That develops the chi and sensory perception.  All of these methods have combined to completely screw up my son’s head and sense of self, but hey that’s what Gerleman was doing also, so I’m not alone. 

FlyMaster Signing Off…For Now!

January 15, 2009 - Posted by | Doping, Features & Opinions, Talkin Trash | , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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