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Straight Cash’s Super Bowl DO’s and DON’Ts

All right, you got your gear, you got a place to watch, so now, here are some do’s and dont’s to prep you for the big game and party.

My ticket to the Big Game

My ticket to the Big Game

If you’re a visitor to the party:

1) Do bring something — anything, a Steinlager 12-pack, wings, dessert, something. Even if you’re broke, you can scarf up for a bottle of Thunderbird or Pabst; just show that you appreciate your host’s sacrifice.

2) Do Not get too drunk before the game starts (applies to host also) — You don’t want to be blacked out if Warner throws a winning Hail Mary or Polamalu seals it with a pick … it’s all about a smooth slip into inebriation. 6 to 8 brews by kickoff is optimal (this applies to a guy around 180 pounds, add one beer per 30 pound level up).

3) Do Not double dip — and that not only applies to the ranch dressing, but to your pal’s spliff stash or his hottie chick.

4) Do Not bring any suckas to the party — No annoying girlfriends or “marks” who have no concept of a first down. SIDE NOTE: Be very prepared to feel the wrath if you go to a Cardinals party and you’re the only one rocking the black and gold (or vice versa)

5) Do have fun — Cheer and yell with gusto! Boldin just scored, stuff that Terrible Towel in that Pitt guys face.

6) Do know when to shut yer trap — during the anthem, commercials (yes, commercials) and when they present the trophy (optional during the Boss’ halftime set).

7) Do prepare for the post-game properly — designate a driver (BEFORE the game) or stash a sleeping bag in your trunk, or stash the designated driver in a sleeping bag in your trunk.

Set channel & volume. Unload battery. Stash.

Instructions: Set channel & volume. Unload battery. Stash.

As a host, not much: You already provided enough eats, drinks, TV and pad. You’re the master of your domain, but just a few things:

1) Do Not channel surf — Once the game starts, put the remote away for the next 4 hours. Yes, it’s your remote control. And yes, it’s your house. But the Super Bowl is bigger than you brother, and you became Obama-esque when you signed up for this (you’re here to serve, protect and deliver).

2) Do provide proper and plenty of trash receptacles — easy clean up, less stink; because these jokers you’re inviting think that they’re tailgating indoors.

3) Do provide for the post-game — ice cold water, fresh coffee, taxi numbers, instant soups, and in some cases, extra sleeping bags (or at least sweep the pick-up truck bed).

Finally, if you’re like me and watching the game with newborn in tow while the Mrs. has a “self-day,” then no rules apply. Do what you want, you’re the king of the castle. Though you might wanna take it easy on the booze, because you don’t want to make any nacho mix-up with the con queso dip and the nearby diaper.

Any other “do’s” and “don’ts” that I forgot?

Enjoy another wonderful American Institution.

Straight Cash … Homey!

January 29, 2009 Posted by | General, NFL, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

The Real Steel

RAVENS STEELERS

I can't even jinx the Steelers on Sunday

With the Super Bowl right around the corner, there’s some rules to go by when your picking your winner. Many years I’ve cheered and bet on the underdog and I’ve lost more Super bowls than one can imagine. I rooted for Jim Kelly and the Bills every time in the early 90s. Talk about building your super bowl resume early in life. The only joy I had was a Steve Tasker caused fumble. I even remember 99’, learning the dirty bird and hoping for Hotlanta to burst. I’m still waiting for Jamal Anderson to show up…loss. I had a decent run with the Pats and predicting their victories but that’s no surprise. My lowest point was 2006, the Bears vs Colts. I was throwing out Empire Records quotes about Rex Manning day throughout pregame. I somehow chose to side with “Sexy Rexy” and found myself drinking heavily. The underdog card will not work this time around either. Here’s some simple rules to live by from yours truly.

Rule 1: Leave emotions out of it. If you’re simply betting against a team like the 90s Cowboys or the Peyton 06’ Colts just because you hate their mere existence then you’re bound for the floor.

Rule 2: When you’re siding with God and Kurt Warner, then you’ve let religion take over, DON’T. Warner has had a great year and playoffs but he’s going to be put on his back more often than Hayden Panettiere.

Rule 3: If you could place a second half bet on the team who didn’t receive the ball, hopefully in this case the Steelers, you should probably do it.

Rule 4: First team to score usually loses the game. I’m serious, I don’t care if Devin Hester returns the kickoff for a touchdown, there’s no way they’re winning this game. Damn YOU REX!

Rule 5: If you are a fan of one of the teams in the Superbowl then please just sit back, gorge on some food and beer and enjoy the game without any monetary involvement in it. Trust me on this one. You don’t want to end up getting so emotional over your teams loss that you actually forget about the bet you put in on them until the next time you check your account, or get a phone call from your bookie reminding you again of what happened that day causing you to send threatening letters to the referees of that game for missing the two blatant holding calls on that Tyree catch…..see what I mean.

My prediction, the Steelers are going to roll on Sunday. Even if the Cardinals run the Annexation of Puerto Rico 12 times against the Steelers, they would still lose by 10. So get your popcorn ready and pull out your terrible towels folks, let’s get ready for some football!

Let’s hope Bruce has no wardrobe malfunctions

RaginRondo

January 29, 2009 Posted by | NFL | , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Most Shocking Super Bowl Story Ever?

If the Cardinals find a way to seek out a victory over the Pittsburgh Steelers this weekend, one has to wonder if this would be one of the most improbable Superbowl victories ever.

Most Shocking Sports Moment?

Most Shocking Sports Moment?

It would be hard to make the case for the biggest Superbowl upset.  After all, while the Cardinals have come out of nowhere, they certainly aren’t devoid of talent.  Boldin, Fitzgerald, Warner, Dansby, Dockett, Rolle, and Wilson are significant pieces to the success of the team.

And, of course, the Jets Superbowl win over Baltimore in 1969 ranks as the biggest Superbowl upset.  The Jets were double digit underdogs.  And ranking a close second is arguably the Patriots victory over Kurt Warner’s Rams in 2001.  While the Patriots were a Cinderella team, and an inspiration to a nation that was still in mourning due to terrorist attacks on September 11th, the Patriots were a rag tag team.  A collection of very good, sound football players, but no stand out athlete or star.  And that includes a young Tom Brady.

But the Cardinals are different.  This is a team that won only nine games this season.  This is a team that played in a division where two of its rivals fired their head coaches (49ers and Rams) mid-season, and the Seattle Seahawks were ravaged by injury.  And still, the Cardinals only won nine games.  Let’s be honest–how many thought the Cardinals were for real when it was announced they won their division late in the season?  How many thought they would make noise in the playoffs?

This is a Cardinals team that couldn’t run the ball most of the season and who lost 4 of their last 6 games to close out the regular season.

And yet, here the Cardinals stand.  A game away from winning their very first Superbowl titles in franchise history.

The idea that the Cardinals, a team that has arguably been the worst franchise in sports history, just might knock off one of the best franchises in all of sports (Pittsburgh), is nothing short of amazing.

What Do YOU Think?

January 29, 2009 Posted by | Features & Opinions, NFL | , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Tiger Balm on the Rocket’s Sack

Fire Down Below

Fire Down Below

Roger Clemens’ legacy sports more tarnish than a Rodin sculpture left out in the Paris weather for 150 years, but the latest revelations from Tom Verducci and Joe Torre’s book “The Yankee Years” are just way too much information.  For years Clemens’ workout regimen was put on the pantheon of athletic asceticism alongside Jerry Rice and Walter Payton.  “The Yankee Years” may have just revealed how weird a guy Roger Clemens is and odd effects steroids can contribute to deranging an already slightly deranged mind.  In the book, Clemens pregame ritual on pitch days was revealed.  Steve Donahue, Yankees trainer, claimed that on pitch days Clemens would start by taking a whirlpool bath in scalding hot water.  Donahue said that Clemens would emerge “looking like a lobster.”  Okay, that’s not too weird.  Slightly masochistic, yes, but not altogether weird.  Clemens would then have Donahue take the hottest liniment and rub it into his testicles.  You read it right.  Rub it into his testicles.  Donahue continued to say that Clemens would “snort like a bull” and that was the sign he was ready to pitch.  Weird.

 

Clemens’ fall from grace doesn’t need anymore coverage, and getting liniment rubbed into his nuts may just be par for the course.  Instead, let’s think about poor Steve Donahue.  How many kids dream about wearing the famed pinstripes when they grow up?  How many of those kids actually realize that dream?  Steve Donahue realized the dream, donned the pinstripes, and once he made the big leagues he ends up rubbing Tiger Balm on the Rocket’s testes.  At that price, you can keep the pinstripes.  He might as well be in prison and Clemens was his “big brother.” 

Imagine going home at night, washing your hands for 2 hours only to have your wife or girlfriend say “how was work…what did you do today?” 

“Oh, same ol’ same ol’.  I did some therapy on Giambi’s mustache, did rehab work with Hideki, and then rubbed some liniment on Clemens’ genitalia.” 

“Isn’t that a little gay?” 

“Yeah, a little bit, but he’s the Rocket.” 

“Did you touch his rocket?”

“No, baby that’s just gross…strictly the nuts.”

That conversation can’t ever go well.  Sorry, Steve Donahue did you not ever see that Beverly Hills 90210 episode where they teach about “No Means No”?  Rub your own testes.  That should be a rule across society.  Rub your own testes.

FlyMaster Signing Off…For Now! 

January 29, 2009 Posted by | Doping, Features & Opinions, Major League Baseball, Talkin Trash | , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment