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Santa’s Naughty or Nice List (Part II)

 

 

SantaGiven that I am leaving tonight to traverse the world on 8 reindeer and spread holiday cheer to all the boys and girls, it’s time to make the last minute additions to my Naughty or Nice List. 

Kerry Collins: Oh Kerry, my sweet Kerry. I suppose you have come a considerable distance from your days of drunk driving, racial slurs and overall shitty personISM. Your numbers don’t dazzle by any stretch of the imagination, but you seem to know your role on the Titans’ offense and have made, relatively, very few mistakes this season. If you continue to rely on the running game and superior defense in Tennessee you should have a good playoff venture. Just stay away from the Seagrams. More blase quartebacks have won Super Bowls (see: Brad Johnson, Trent Dilfer, Mark Rypien) and YOU might be able to add your name to that list if you’re a good boy. Your Christmas gift from Santa: a Super Bowl matchup versus the Arizona Cardinals. I really want to see two quarterbacks go head to head whose combined age is 73.

Mike Martz: Hired as the God of Offensive Attack, you came in and improved the 49ers from 32nd in passing in 2007 to 14th this year. Although San Francisco fans aren’t impressed with 1-2 more wins from a dismal 5-11 record last year, you’ve shown enough potential this year to avoid my naughty list, but you are still a touchdown or two away from “nice.” And dear Lord, what were you thinking on that last play of the game when you played Arizona on Monday Night Football?!? I’ve made better decisions playing Tecmo Bowl. Your gift from Santa: a new quarterback for 2009 and the chance for a winning record… Kurt Warner? Matt Cassel? Sage Rosenfels? You name it…

Joseph Addai: Is it just me or where you listed as ‘questionable’ before EVERY game this year?! And I feel like you missed games for the most minuscule of injuries (headaches, nausea, morning sickness…) Let me ask you a question Joe, do you even like football? The Tooth Fairy traded you for Leon Washington to the Easter Bunny in our fantasy league, and I don’t blame her. I picked Domenic Rhodes up off waivers and made them both look like shmucks. Your stocking stuffer from Santa: Vagasil.

Plaxico Burress: Hahahahahahahahahaha! Next…

Ravens Defense: I’ve gotta respect the resurgence! Going from the 22nd best defense last year to the 2nd best is a more impressive comeback than Robert Downey Jr. this year. For Christmas you guys get anything you want…mainly because I’m terrified of upsetting Ray Lewis.

All of the Detroit Lions: I don’t even know what to say here. You should highly reconsider changing your name from the “Lions” to the “Clubbed Baby Seals.” You are that pathetic. The automobile industry in Detroit is going up in flames and putting families on the streets. The winter weather is keeping anyone from coming or leaving Michigan for the holidays, and you guys are one loss away from the worst possible season in football. Seriously, for Christmas all I want is one win out of you guys. Not for me. For the people of Detroit. Please. It’s all too depressing…

Well I’m due in Beijing in about 15 minutes, so this is Santa signing off until next year. Until then, Merry Christmas to all… except Eli Manning. You broke my heart this year. Yes it’s true, Santa is a Pats fan.

December 24, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A Christmas Card, from Andre Johnson

Happy Holidays, from Andre!

DEAREST FRIENDS AND FAMILY,

It’s the holiday season and while I’ve been busy spreading holiday cheer in Houston, I wanted to update everyone with what’s going on in my life and wish you’ all Happy Holidays on behalf of the Texans.  Also, a special shout out to all my Hurricanes out there in Miami…what what!!!

Some people would say that I have played like a stud this year, but I wouldn’t refer to myself that way. I’m way too humble. In a league where my colleagues were embarrassing the wide receiver position with their trouble making antics and selfish attitudes, I just did my thag. We still have half a month left of regular season to play; yet thus far I’ve reeled in 103 receptions for 1400 yards. Competing in an incredible conference this year (AFC) I was able to step my game up and tried hard to keep my boys in the running. We could potentially end the season with a 9-7 record, but we will be hard pressed to make the playoffs.  Although I am disappointed, progression as a team is what I strive for the most, and I am thoroughly happy with our advancement. Our team was blessed with the arrival of rookie sensation, Steve Slaton, who added a lot to the offense. His threatening presence in the backfield with 1,100 yards/ 8TDs (through week 15), made opposing defenses respect the run and, furthermore, gave me the opportunity to get open downfield. Also, I must give credit to where credit is due. Kevin Walter, my “brotha from anotha motha,” tormented opposing D’s with 57 receptions and 850 yards. This helped our team tremendously as we posted the 4th most offensive yards in the NFL.

A great honor came, this year, when NFL.com published some very kind words about me:

“While the league has been plagued with selfish personalities of Plaxico ‘have gun will travel’ Burress,  Anquan  ‘trade me’ Boldin, or the (always) volatile and emotional T.O., Andre Johnson is a giant of a man who takes the blame for his mess ups, but deflects credit for achievements to others.”  Wow! Thanks for the kind words, guys!

Oh yeah, I almost forgot to mention, I have some great news! This week my teammate Mario Williams and I booked tickets to Hawaii for February.  We are headed to the Aloha State with the intentions of sharpening our skills in body boarding, chowing down on some fresh Mahi Mahi and creating some havoc in the 2008 Pro Bowl.

The Andre Johnson Foundation, which I started in ’03, had two wildly successful events this year, one of which we donated approx. 1,000 bicycles to children from low income, single parent homes in the Houston and Miami areas.

My last two games will be at Oakland and at home vs. Chicago. If you have me on your fantasy team, I think I can produce for you. Their pass defenses are sharp, but have allowed 195 and 233 AYPG respectively. I know that my good friend , and sports blogger, STATDRAGON highly recommends starting me.

It is my great wish that all of you enjoy the best of holidays and have a happy and safe New Year.

Lovingly,

‘Dre

December 17, 2008 Posted by | Fantasy Football, NFL | , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment