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Various Sports Mutterings from Sportsfly.com!

Branding a Stadium In Dallas

Jones'n Stadium

Jones'n Stadium

The Cowboys have yet to find an official sponsor for their new stadium. So if you have some extra money in the ol’ piggybank you don’t mind parting with, $400 M for 20 years will get your name on the dome. Personally, I won’t be able to hack this kind of deal with Mr. Jones and the Cowboy organization. For one, the StatDragon has a vice for gin and tonics AND happy hours at The Spearmint Rhino Strip Club…both of which cost a bit of money. Seriously, I’m more into this Russian stripper there named Nadia than Mickey Rourke’s character was into Marissa Tome in The Wrestler. Secondly, the economy has left a proverbial “Cleveland Steamer” on my chest. And last but not least, I live at home with my grandma and make a living off blogging…awesome.

Anyway, since it looks like the stadium won’t have an immediate name, I thought it was only fair that I came up with a list for potential temporary names.  Here are some possibilities :

* “The Leon Lett Center for Children Who Can’t Read Good and Want to Learn How To Do Other Things Good Too”

* “The CitiBank Dome”…kidding!

* “Bear Sterns Stadium”…kidding again!!

* “The Bill Parcels is My Real Dad Arena”

* “Cowboy Bail Bonds Field” ( that is a real company )

*  “The Troy Aikmen Never Took Mid-Playoff Vacations Stadium”

* “The Tony Romo is so lucky Jessica Simpson used to give him Dome–Dome”

Best of luck to everyone in Dallas on finding a cool new name for your home. Of course ambiguity is cool too.

Holler Back. StatDragon.

February 14, 2009 Posted by | Features & Opinions, NFL, Talkin Trash, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

What The Hell Is That? Volume 1

 

Sports Analyst?

Sports Analyst?

I‘ve done my fair share of hallucinogens.  Straight up.  Had conversations with Leprechaun used-car salesmen disguised as chairs.  Check.  Made passionate love to an unsuspecting birch tree.  Check.  Believed I could melt a DC-10 with the sheer power of my thoughts.  Check and double check.   That was the past my friends, but this morning I woke up and saw something that blew my feeble mind into a thousand Hunter S. Thompson inspired pieces.  On ESPN’s First Take host Dana Jacobsen was moderating a debate between Skip Bayless and Lil’ Wayne.  That’s right, Skip Bayless and Lil’ Wayne.  Skip Bayless, and the endangered species he wears on his head, was locked into a serious debate about the BCS System with Lil’ Weezy.  What the hell is going on here?  In between debating whether or not Mack Brown did a good job coaching Texas in the Fiesta Bowl and talking about the state of the NBA, Dana Jacobsen found time to ask questions about Lil’ Wayne’s grill.  To his credit, Lil’ Wayne made a good show of himself despite sounding sedated on a handful of percodan washed down with a hurricane.  To their discredit, ESPN has lost the sliver of authenticity that they still maintained.

Here’s the problem.  The world of cross promotion saturates us with these “mashups” that make absolutely no sense, all in the name of exposure.  Being a student and fan of hip-hop for 25 years and a sports fan longer than that makes me realize that combining my likes actually makes me dislike and disassociate myself from both music and sports individually.  Hearing Lil’ Wayne or Immortal Technique or Del the Funky Homosapien speak about sports is as appealing as watching paint wither off my Dodge Dart.  Similarly, I wouldn’t  listen to a collaboration album between Stuart Scott, Linda Cohen, and Jay-Z.  Keep my favorites separated.  Music over here; sports over there.  It’s like putting gravy on ice cream or putting a tattoo of an eagle gripping a salmon on a beautiful pair of supple breasts.  Keep that stuff separate.

If we are forced to digest these cross-cultural mashups then let’s take it to the next level.  Skip and Lil’ Wayne talking sports is cool, but that’s a gateway drug.  Here are a couple of mashups that would really get things popping.

  • Shaq, Richard Simmons, and Oprah Winfrey doing a live television special in which they all get colonoscopies while debating the benefits of eating more kale and endives.
  • Mike Vick and the Dog Whisperer debating on the best housebreaking strategies for Lhasa Apsos.
  • R. Kelly and Michael Jackson espousing the virtues of home-schooling their kids while Charles Manson counters with the argument that kids need to be properly socialized in a traditional school environment.
  • Plaxico Burress and Suge Knight discussing gun control with Slobodan Milosevic and Idi Amin.
  • Pacman Jones and Paris Hilton doing PSA’s and being chaperones for a safe prom season.
  • Jessica Simpson and Lou Holtz co-writing a book entitled “In the Pocket… Keys to the West Coast Offense.”
Endangered Species Headgear

Endangered Species Headgear

Meanwhile, First Take continues with Skip Bayless telling Lil’ Wayne he loves his second album.  Skip you are a retard of the highest caliber.  That kid on “Life Goes On” just called to say you’re a mental dwarf.  Actually, Dana Jacobsen just ate a dwarf and swilled its entrails in a vodka spritzer.  I digress, but ESPN makes that girl wear black clothing everyday because she’s expanding faster than the universe.   Seriously, you’re a sports anchor do some goddamn situps.  ESPN shame on you.  Lil’ Wayne, much respect for not stabbing every one of those patronizing “I know black people” anchors as they talked to you about hip-hop and grills with trepidation laced with condescension.  Skip, Donald Trump called and said your hairpiece is a disgrace to the skull murkin community.  I long for a nice dose of LSD because reality is a trip.

FlyMaster Signing Off…For Now!

January 6, 2009 Posted by | Features & Opinions, General, Talkin Trash | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment