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This One’s For the Bitches

Forget steroids for a minute.  Forget Olympians bong-toking.  Forget the Lakers tapping the Celtics and Cavs in back-to-back games.   It’s time to break out the full-court coverage on the greatest American sporting event.  That’s right, my friends, it is Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show time.  Some of you may consider this coverage ludicrous, cynical, and even irrelevant, but you’re straight up wrong.  If there’s one thing the FlyMaster loves, it’s bitches.  Bitches of all shapes and sizes.  Loud bitches.  Quite bitches.  Black bitches.  White bitches.  Brindle bitches.  Bitches that drool.  Bitches that like pools.  Bitches that eat meat.  As long as that bitch has four feet, she can compete.   

Leaving a Mark at MSG

Leaving a Mark at MSG

On the real side, the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show is a gem of the highest carat weight.  Each February Madison Square Garden becomes the world’s fanciest dog park.  Last week Kobe and Lebron both left their mark on the Garden.  This week there will be all sorts of marks left on the garden.   America’s blue bloods parade their canine compatriots with more pride than when Yury Andropov surveyed and approved the Soviet Army in Red Square.   You know you’re dealing with a blue blood, conceited, four legged spoiled brats when they sport names like “Champion Dulymus Arbuckle on High Quartermain,” and “Winchester Trig Palin McCain We Lost Damnit.”  The FlyDog is named Del.  Keep it simple, muffy.  Now that the backstory is set, let’s break down the 133rd Westiminster Kennel Club Dog Show.

Last year’s champion was Uno, a beagle that took the City by storm and did it his way.  With his dynamic personality and semi-tolerable breath, Uno was a lock to go back-to-back, but alas Uno is currently embroiled in ACL rehabilitation and a performance enhancing drug scandal that prevent him from competing.  The field is wide open, just like the NL MVP race once Barry Bonds removed himself from the league.   This year’s early favorites are Lincoln, a Brussels Griffon from the Toy Group, and Carly, a corgi from the Herding Group.  Here’s a group by group breakdown.

Sporting Group:

The Sporting Group is replete with every type of retriever, spaniel, and pointer you’d ever want to see. While many of the pundits laud the accomplishments of the English Springer Spaniel, and some of the overseas prognosticators are lining up in the Wirehaired Pointing Griffon’s corner, Sir FlyMaster will be sticking to his preseason pick, the Vizsla. The Vizsla is a little-known Hungarian dog that puts all thes other Sporting Mutts in their place. Watch out for the Nova Scotia Duck Toiling Retriever to make a splash as well.

Hound Group:
 
The Hound Group represents an array of body types and functionality. From the short-rotund Basset Hound to the immensely regal, yet nappy and drunk Irish Wolfhound, this group is built for excitement. Don’t bet against the frontrunner here. That’s right. The 15″ Beagle will be victorious, if only because the Charles Schultz Snoopy contigent is huge here at the Westminster Kennel, and who doesn’t like Snoopy? If you need a darkhorse, or darkdog rather, don’t sleep on the Black and Tan Coonhound. That’s just a great name because one isn’t quite sure if it’s slightly offensive or just a product of good-old-down-home-Southern naivete. “Look at the jowls on that coon.” That’s one of my favorite lines from covering last year’s Dogapalooza.
 
Working Group:
 
The finest bitches and male dogs reside in the Working Group. These dogs can be fluffy, buff, ugly, short, stocky, long, lean, but they all get the job done. The Japanese contingent will be pulling for the Akita, while the Inuit population (all 2 of them) can’t get enough Malamute. Well, sorry folks, 2009 is the year of the Boxer. No dog is more elegant in its aloofness, more resolute in its musculature, and more playful when gnawing on the fibulas of children from war torn countries. Give the trophy to the Boxer and stay out of her way.

 
Terrier Group:

The Terrier Group features a bunch of glorified rat and rabbit hunters. If that’s your dharma, you don’t deserve an award show. But since they’re in the competition we’ll pick a winner. Eeny, meeny, miny, mo. Pick the Norwich Terrier and get on with the show.

Toy Group:

The Toy group is a disgrace to the animal kingdom. These dogs are the preferred choice of B-list celebrities, gay mafiosos, old ladies with skin that looks like a well tanned kangaroo hide, and the Sportsfly office. This year it was tough to make a decision, but FlyMaster is rolling with the Japanese Chin for two reasons. Japanese Chin sounds like a disparaging disease name from the mid 1800s and the name “Chin” is Chinese, so who the hell is Japanese Chin? Conspiracy in the making.

Non-Sporting Group:All bastard dogs that really don’t serve a purpose and can’t be classified in any of the other groups get thrown in the Non-Sporting Group. Here you’ll find your Poodles, Dalmations, Chow Chow, and other ungodly concoctions. Put some money on the Bulldog (British) because he’s really trying to distance himself from the rest of these ragamuffins, but his leg length and genetic predisposition for hip problems are severely limiting. Mercy vote the Bulldog to glory.

Herding Group:

The Herding Group features some new entrants this year. This begs the question, were there new dogs discovered last year or has that Human Genome Project taken a turn toward the realm of Doctor Moreau? Anyhow, look for the Swedish Vallhund to make a huge debut this year. Word is, the Vallhund looks more like a shrunk down buffalo with goat eyes and a forked tongue, so you know it will stand out. Other contenders are the Bearded Collie and the Corgi. Either way, it’s going to be a heated competition.

BEST IN SHOW:

No doubt the best in show comp will come down to the Boxer and the Swedish Vallhund. This year’s competition has been switched up to boost ratings. Word has it that Michael Vick will be asked to referee the Best in Show match, with the losing dog being placed on the Signature #7 Rape Stand, where all Chihuahuas are released upon the loser. It ain’t pretty, but it’s sports. Look for the Boxer to take down the Vallhund with some nice punching skills and adept ankle-biting. Sorry Sweden, maybe you can invent another new dog in 2010 and enter again. Until then, 2009 is the year of the Boxer.

FlyMaster Signing Off…For Now!

Best In Show?

Best In Show?

 

February 9, 2009 Posted by | Doping, Features & Opinions, General, Talkin Trash | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Weekend Wrap-up

Last weekend was a decent weekend for sports: Sugar Shane vs. Margarito, Arlovski vs. Fedor, Lebron’s buzzer beater, Celts vs. Mavs, Lakers vs. Spurs and NHL all-star weekend. Oh the plethora of sports was doused upon us.

So the weekend started with Lebron vs. Stephen Jackson, a battle that demonstrated “anything you can do I can do better.” 30 seconds remained and big shot after big shot led to the final seconds and Lebron with the ball. If you watch that clip, LBJ is a monster, man-child beast. We might as well call him a man beast. It was his first buzzer-beater in his NBA career, most likely not his last.

Sugar Shane worked Margarito

Sugar Shane worked Margarito

Onto Boxing, yes people are still pugilists! Now Sugar Shane Mosley fought welterweight champion Antonio Margarito at the Staples Center and the 37-year old Mosley took it to Margarito. He looked like the faster, smoother, stronger and far superior fighter on this night. What was more entertaining was Bernard Hopkins sitting and randomly standing in front of Mark Wahlberg, E from Entourage and a hammered Tobie Maguire in the stands. Wahlberg looked like he was stuck behind a Marge Simpson hairdo at the movies with Hopkins standing and barking at Mosley every round. You’d randomly see his head prop to the side, anyways Mosley KO’d Margarito in the 9th round.

World of MMA, Fedor knocked out Arlovski in the first round of their Affliction title fight. Arlovski was looking solid until he caught a right hook in the chin that face planted his ass into a comatose state. Arlovski went in with a flying knee to the corner and that’s where Fedor capitalized with the one punch sweet chin music. Arlovski’s known for his weak chin, hence the beard he wears to add some protection. On this night beard or no beard, he got knocked the F*** out!

Ovechkin wins on style points

Ovechkin wins on style points

NHL all-star weekend has really lost its luster. I know you’re probably saying “wait, this already happened?” and “What channel was this on?” Oh yes it happened and Versus proves to be the worst camera worked channel in my recent sports memory. Anyways, I remember going crazy when Ray Bourque would go 4 for 4 in the target competition and Al “I’m afraid of” Iafrate slap shot would kill somebody in the stands during the hardest shot competition. Now they’ve incorporated style breakaway shots that resemble a dunk contest minus the quality and excitement. Ovechkin just put on a Beach hat with Canada flags and glasses and skated with two sticks passing himself the puck. He eventually tossed one and scored but it sucked. He of course went on to win the competition. Chara had a 105 mph slap shot in his final attempt that won the contest.

As for the game itself, no one played defense but they did have their first penalty call in an all-star game. Game went into a shootout and was actually pretty entertaining. Ovechkin slotted home the game winner while the Habs Kovalev (hometown captain) took home MVP honors. Ladi freaking Da!

Oh and the Lakers wiped out the Spurs and the Celtics beat up the Mavericks to win their 8th straight, be afraid!

I sat and watched it all. (Well most of it)

RaginRondo

January 27, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

NBA News: From Melo’s hand to Antoine canned

Walka Walka Walka!

Walka Walka Walka!

Now let me rant and ramble for a minute about the Celtics potentially getting Stephon Marbury.  After watching the Tony Allen train wreck against the Knicks, I’m up for it.  I’m ready to ride the rollercoaster that is Starbury.  I’ll buy the shirt, the shoes and shave a star into my head.  I miss Manny’s antics so much that I need some instability in my life.  It’s time to see where this ride takes us and who knows, we could actually have a ball handler on the bench besides Rondo.  With more whispers of a buyout from the Knicks, Marbury could sign sooner than later.  Buckle up; he’s putting me in a glass case of emotion.  

Anyways, who knew DUI’s were the new big thing for 09’!

Antoine Walker was arrested and charged early Monday morning in Miami for suspicion of drunk driving.  Apparently he left his lights off in his Mercedes and his eyes appeared bloodshot.  He was also asked to walk the line and in good tickle me Toine’ fashion wiggled his way down. 

Carmelo Anthony should be out for 3-4 weeks with a broken bone in his shooting hand.  Surgery will not be necessary but be sure to bet the under in the next Nuggets game, you’ll thank me later.

Heat released Shaun Livingston, Suns have released Dee Brown, Bucks have requested to put Austin Croshere on waivers and the Clippers waived Fred Jones and Paul Davis.

Tracy McGrady is beating himself up over his lackluster performance to start this NBA season saying “I criticize myself.”  He understands he can play better and looks to push himself through this slump. “In my mind, I think I’m going hard. But physically, I don’t have it.”  I think someone needs to spend a night with Barkley and Antoine. Maybe motorboat and make a few mistakes.  You’re still young!

Lebron James says he will keep the ‘crab dribble’ in his arsenal of moves.  He still believes his move was clean and not a travel in the final seconds of Sunday’s game.  He says he’s not worried if they take that move away, he’ll create something else.  Lebron, I’m just worried about when you travel to places like Indiana. What if you go and mix it up with the wrong crowd and get crabs?  If you do; stay mean, keep it clean and use that powder! 

RaginRondo

 

January 7, 2009 Posted by | NBA | , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Boston Celtics Fall Short in the West Coast

The team that’s been atop all others throughout the previous two months of this season is slowly fizzing away. The Boston Celtics ended their road trip with a loss at the Rose Garden and I couldn’t be any happier. Yup – I’m a Trail Blazers fan and love how Portland was able to win without Roy. It shows talent in the other starters and reserves. Greg Oden was even able to add 13 points and 11 rebounds despite his ankle injury in a recent practice. Perhaps he’ll slowly shake off the media tension that’s been burdening his shoulders.

Celtics vs. Blazers
Celtics vs. Blazers

Paul Pierce stepped up as usual with 28 points for the Celtics, but it wasn’t enough for Rip City’s finest. It hasn’t been enough for the last three of their four games. Coming into Los Angeles on Christmas, the Lakers gave the defending champs something to think about – How the f*ck will they beat them again if they were to match up in the finals? The Lakers seem much stronger this year and the Celtics are dwindling. They need another boost of energy like last year in the playoffs, but what will happen if their second boost runs out?

After losing to the Lakers they fell short to the Golden State Warriors on the following night. Even though they picked up a Win in Sacramento thereafter, the Portland game brought them back down. Overall, the west coast road blocked their franchise-record, 19 game winning streak.

Cleveland and Orlando are close behind, so if Boston wants to “make it reign” again, they need to work on their play making ability down the stretch. The way I see it is if teams like the Blazers can cover without their star player, then the Celtics are no match for Kobe, Lebron or Dwight (who’re much more polished) and their crews.

Skrybe – Keep it Fly

December 31, 2008 Posted by | Features & Opinions, NBA | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

All Hail King James

King James

King James

With about one minute remaining, Yao Ming attempts a layup to help the Rockets but instead is trampled by the quick jump and defensive block of Lebron James. The ticker eventually counts down and the Cavs claim victory…This was the outcome of yesterday’s heated matchup between the Houston Rockets and Cleveland Cavaliers.

After watching the game, reviewing the highlights and reading the articles, there’s no doubt in my mind that Lebron James has superseded most NBA legends. Sure Michael Jordan tops the list, but he’s the Zeus of basketball. Michael’s on the same pedestal as Leonardo da Vinci for painting, Will Smith for bankable box office hits, Tupac Shakur for rap and perhaps Mother Teresa for volunteerism. Putting him aside, how often do you hear about Hakeem Olajuwon, Patrick Ewing, Larry Bird, Clyde Drexler, or Magic Johnson? In fact, fans from the Kobe and Lebron era probably don’t even know Magic’s real name is Earvin.

Just watch Lebron play one game. You’ll notice his dedication and passion for the sport we love to watch. But even more so than dedication and passion is the skill set he runs with while on court. In yesterday’s game for example, King James led all scorers with 27 points, provided 9 rebounds, 3 steals and one over-the-top block on the Great Wall of China – Yao Ming.

One game you say…? Then explain his ability to lead a team past all but the Celtics and Lakers this year. Or the fact that if it wasn’t for him, the Cavs wouldn’t be only team to remain undefeated at home. Let’s take it one step further and question whether or not the Cavs would’ve made it to the Finals in 2007 if he wasn’t on the roster. Lebron has provided a lot to the franchise and even more to the NBA.

It giddies me like a lil’ girl about to play spin the bottle when I see him powder himself up before entering the court. I become more anxious than Genuwine and can’t wait to see fireworks!

Skrybe – Keep it Fly

December 24, 2008 Posted by | Features & Opinions, NBA | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Top Athletes of the Decade – 2000’s

The holidays are upon us, and with this comes the impending doom of lengthy credit card statements, bone chilling winters, and the inevitable dinner table family debacles.  My younger years were spent watching my father and grandfather quarrel about political issues, whereas nowadays, with no political depth,  I spend those dinners disputing the athletic prowess of my generation’s players versus those of yesteryear with the Ol’ Man.  For every Lebron, I hear the Big-O.  For Peyton Manning…Johnny U.  Say Albert Pujols, Mickey Mantle, and so on.

With this insistence on us needing to rank our athletes of today within a historical reference, these “Top 10” lists have become second nature to us.  I can remember 1999 bombarding us with enough Top 10 lists to spin my head around 3 times and soon after view everything in Top 10’s, Shawn Kemp’s Top 10 illegitimate kids, Oprah’s Top 10 weight classes, Tyra Banks’ Top 10 profound statements…you get the picture. 

So, with the first decade of the 2000’s coming to an end, lets get a jump on the matter and preview the Top 10 Athletes, across the board, of the 2000’s.

10. Ichiro – Come on…remember how he burst onto the scene in 2001 throwing Terrence Long out as he attempted to advance to 3rd, therefore causing every MLB player to think twice from there on.  In 8 seasons, he has 1805 base hits, never less than 200 and a career batting average of .331.  Oh yeah, in those 8 years, 8 All-Star appearances, and 8 Gold Gloves.  I repeat…come on!

9. Ladanian Tomlinson – Outside of Jim Brown, Walter Payton, and Barry Sanders, has to be the best of all-time at his trade.  If there is a TD record out there LT either holds it or will.  Fastest to 100 TD’s all-time, 31 TD’s in one year and more than 15,000 yards from scrimmage in 8 seasons..clearly he belongs on this list.

8. Peyton Manning – With the decade not even over, Manning has thrown for 37,295 yards, 277 TD’s to 123 INT’s, and has led his team to a 100-43 record.  Manning is immersed in day-to-day disputes over not only being the best QB of this generation, but gets his share of votes for being the best of all time.

7. Zinedine Zidane – Sure, we could argue Ronaldhino, Luis Figo, Ronaldo and so on, but Zidane has been the most consistent and dominating player in the world this decade.  Zidane led France to victory in the Euro 2000, was dominant for Real Madrid from ’01-’06, retired, came out of retirement to lead France in the 2006 World Cup, and is the only man I have ever seen knock someone to the ground by head butting him…in the chest!

6. Lance Armstrong – Clearly the most dominating athlete in the history of cycling, Armstrong came into the decade with a Tour de France victory in 1999, then won his 2nd in 2000, and 2001, and 2002, 2003, 2004 and 2005..yes, that is 7 and 7 straight!  Oh yeah, he did all of this after beating cancer!

5. Michael Schumacher – In a similar fashion to Mr. Armstrong, Michael Schumacher came into 2000 and started it off right, with a Formula One World Championship, his first with Scuderia Ferrari Marlboro. He followed this up in 2001 with another championship, then 2002, then 2003, and yes, 2004.  Dominant!  In 2005 and 2006, he didn’t win, but he finished 3rd and 2nd overall respectively.

4. Kobe Bryant – Let me remind you that this list is the Top 10 Athletes not Top 10 Classiest, Chivalrous, Team-Oriented, contributors to a better society.  With that said, in the decade of the 2000’s Kobe has 3 NBA championships, 6 NBA 1st Teams, 6 NBA Defensive Teams, 2 Scoring Titles and 1 MVP.  He is a highlight reel on any given night and is the only player I have ever heard to be argued against Michael Jordan as the NBA’s greatest of all-time.

3. Tom Brady – The decade started off by being drafted in the 6th Round only to hold a clip board and rank fourth on a depth chart behind Pro-Bowler Drew Bledsoe as well as Michael Bishop and John Friesz.  Then came September 23, 2001, soon to be a recognized Holiday in the New England region.  Brady took over and led his team to the first of 3 Super Bowls.  In 2007 he threw for 50 TD’s and finished with a QB rating of 117.2 Rating, while ALMOST leading his team to a perfect 19-0 season.

2. Michael Phelps – I can tell you that Phelps has won 14 Gold Medals over the past 2 Olympics and we could leave it that.  But, that might lead one to think that is all he has done, so in fairness lets add 7 American Swimmer of the Year Awards, 5 World Swimmer of the Year Awards, 40 overall Gold Medals, including the Pan Pacific and World Championships, and 1 2008 Sports Illustrated “Sportsman of the Year” award.

1. Tiger Woods – We can spin this list to be Athlete of the decade, the last 15 years, last 20 years, or maybe even of all-time, and your going to get a strong case for Tiger Woods.  Let me say this, I LOVE Jack Nicklaus…but Come ON!  It cant even be a debate anymore.  Tiger has been the PGA Player of the Year 9 times, and he is only 32 Years old…Nicklaus won it 5 over his career.  Tiger has won 14 Major Championships, 12 of them coming during this decade.  Quite simply, Tiger is the best athlete of this generation…sorry MJ.

Honorable Mention: Ronaldo, Annika Sorenstam, Tim Duncan, Kevin Garnett, David Beckham, Luis Figo, Ronaldhino, Sidney Crosby, Lebron James, Albert Pujols , Brett Favre, Shaquille O’Neal, Barry Bonds, Jimmie Johnson, and Roger Federer.

December 23, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Where are they Now?

Ah, as High School basketball draws to a close we should anxiously anticipate the unveiling of the next “sure thing” moving through a year or two of the NCAA’s into NBA fame.  Names like Chris Webber, Kobe Bryant, “King” James, and Dwight Howard, all of which have done all but dissapoint.  But what about the ones that did disappoint, the ones that carried that world of potential to, well, not to the NBA.  Where are THEY now?

 

Jewish Jordan

"Jewish Jordan"

Tamir Goodman: Tabbed the Jewish Jordan, Goodman was recognized by Sports Illustrated, 60 Minutes, and ESPN after averaging 35.4 points per game at the Talmudical Academy of Baltimore, and was dubbed the 25th best HS basketball player in the country.  Goodman received a full-ride scholarship to the University of Maryland in 1999, but was released from his verbal commitment since the school could not accommodate his religious need to have Fridays and Saturdays free.

Goodman transferred to Towson University, but had a separate falling out as he thought his coach was Anti-Semitic.  Goodman finally had the opportunity to showcase his “Jordan-esque” skills when he was signed by Maccabi Tel Aviv in Israel.  In 2005, Goodman went on to serve in  the Israeli Defense Force, as a requirment of Israel.  After numerous knee injuries, Goodman returned to America, trying his hand with the Maryland Nighthawks of the PBL, yet today has has returned to Israel to play for the Maccabi Haifa team back in Israel.  Tamir is a motivational Speaker for youth in the Jewish Orthodox religion

Felipe Lopez

Felipe Lopez

 

Felipe Lopez: One of the most heralded players in US High School basketball history, Felipe landed countless accolades including Gatorade, Parade, and USA Today Player of the Year, McDonalds All-American MVP, and the cover of Sports Illustrated.  At 18, Lopez attended a conference with Jim Brown, Bill Clinton, and Jackie Joyner-Kersee.  He went on to have a little success at St. Johns University, inlcuding a 17.8 PPG Freshman Year then managed to squeak into the NBA, where he averaged a career total of 5.8 PPG over 4 years.

Felipe has gone on to play ball in the Domincan Republic, where his family immigrated from, The NBA’s D-League, Germany, Spain, The CBA, Brazil, and today in Venezuela for Gaiteros del Zulia.

The Greatest of All Time

The Greatest of All Time

 

Earl “The GOAT” Manigault: Who could forget, when legendary Laker center Kareem Abdul-Jabbar had his number 33 retired in the Los Angeles Forum, he was asked who the greatest player he ever faced was.  His response, yes Earl the GOAT Manigault.  

Earl was a basketball legend renowned for his dunking ability, even at 6 ‘-1”.  Rumored to have been able to touch the top of the backboard and execute on the Double-Dunk (Dunk with one hand, then with the other, all while remaining in the air).  Aftering receiving scholarships from Duke, North Carolina, Indiana and more than 70  more Universities, Earl opted to attend Johnson C. Smith University, where he lasted only one semester because of bad grades, which led to less playing time by his coach.  Earl fell into drug usage, catapulting him into prison on 2 separate occasions, but rebounded by starting the “Walk Away from Drugs” tournament held in Harlem, NY, still around today.  Earl passed away in 1998, but will always be remembered as the Greatest Of All Time!

Honorable Mention: Damon Bailey, Jerod Ward, Donnell Harvey, Sebastian Telfair, Leon Smith.

December 5, 2008 Posted by | NBA | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment