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Various Sports Mutterings from!

What The Hell Is That? Volume 1


Sports Analyst?

Sports Analyst?

I‘ve done my fair share of hallucinogens.  Straight up.  Had conversations with Leprechaun used-car salesmen disguised as chairs.  Check.  Made passionate love to an unsuspecting birch tree.  Check.  Believed I could melt a DC-10 with the sheer power of my thoughts.  Check and double check.   That was the past my friends, but this morning I woke up and saw something that blew my feeble mind into a thousand Hunter S. Thompson inspired pieces.  On ESPN’s First Take host Dana Jacobsen was moderating a debate between Skip Bayless and Lil’ Wayne.  That’s right, Skip Bayless and Lil’ Wayne.  Skip Bayless, and the endangered species he wears on his head, was locked into a serious debate about the BCS System with Lil’ Weezy.  What the hell is going on here?  In between debating whether or not Mack Brown did a good job coaching Texas in the Fiesta Bowl and talking about the state of the NBA, Dana Jacobsen found time to ask questions about Lil’ Wayne’s grill.  To his credit, Lil’ Wayne made a good show of himself despite sounding sedated on a handful of percodan washed down with a hurricane.  To their discredit, ESPN has lost the sliver of authenticity that they still maintained.

Here’s the problem.  The world of cross promotion saturates us with these “mashups” that make absolutely no sense, all in the name of exposure.  Being a student and fan of hip-hop for 25 years and a sports fan longer than that makes me realize that combining my likes actually makes me dislike and disassociate myself from both music and sports individually.  Hearing Lil’ Wayne or Immortal Technique or Del the Funky Homosapien speak about sports is as appealing as watching paint wither off my Dodge Dart.  Similarly, I wouldn’t  listen to a collaboration album between Stuart Scott, Linda Cohen, and Jay-Z.  Keep my favorites separated.  Music over here; sports over there.  It’s like putting gravy on ice cream or putting a tattoo of an eagle gripping a salmon on a beautiful pair of supple breasts.  Keep that stuff separate.

If we are forced to digest these cross-cultural mashups then let’s take it to the next level.  Skip and Lil’ Wayne talking sports is cool, but that’s a gateway drug.  Here are a couple of mashups that would really get things popping.

  • Shaq, Richard Simmons, and Oprah Winfrey doing a live television special in which they all get colonoscopies while debating the benefits of eating more kale and endives.
  • Mike Vick and the Dog Whisperer debating on the best housebreaking strategies for Lhasa Apsos.
  • R. Kelly and Michael Jackson espousing the virtues of home-schooling their kids while Charles Manson counters with the argument that kids need to be properly socialized in a traditional school environment.
  • Plaxico Burress and Suge Knight discussing gun control with Slobodan Milosevic and Idi Amin.
  • Pacman Jones and Paris Hilton doing PSA’s and being chaperones for a safe prom season.
  • Jessica Simpson and Lou Holtz co-writing a book entitled “In the Pocket… Keys to the West Coast Offense.”
Endangered Species Headgear

Endangered Species Headgear

Meanwhile, First Take continues with Skip Bayless telling Lil’ Wayne he loves his second album.  Skip you are a retard of the highest caliber.  That kid on “Life Goes On” just called to say you’re a mental dwarf.  Actually, Dana Jacobsen just ate a dwarf and swilled its entrails in a vodka spritzer.  I digress, but ESPN makes that girl wear black clothing everyday because she’s expanding faster than the universe.   Seriously, you’re a sports anchor do some goddamn situps.  ESPN shame on you.  Lil’ Wayne, much respect for not stabbing every one of those patronizing “I know black people” anchors as they talked to you about hip-hop and grills with trepidation laced with condescension.  Skip, Donald Trump called and said your hairpiece is a disgrace to the skull murkin community.  I long for a nice dose of LSD because reality is a trip.

FlyMaster Signing Off…For Now!

January 6, 2009 Posted by | Features & Opinions, General, Talkin Trash | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Give Me a Ticket to Planet Holyfield

Delusions Are Fun

Delusions Are Fun

Some of you probably have heard, and even fewer of you probably care, that Evander Holyfield is fighting for a Heavyweight Championship this weekend.   Holyfield faces Nikolai Valuev in the new boxing capital of the world, Zurich, Switzerland.  Who knew the neutral Swiss were such connoisseurs of the Sweet Science?  All that fondue and Ghiradelli chocolate get that Swiss blood a-boilin’. 

Holyfield is now 46 years old and looking to supplant George Foreman as the oldest Heavyweight champ, but that’s not the part of the story that’s interesting.  Sure, Holyfield is beyond shot.  His best days are more than a decade past.  Sure, we all know the danger he faces.  Permanent brain damage?  Check.  A cruel stubborness that has led and will continue to lead to ultimate demise?  Check.  Really poor career move?  Check.   Sign me up.

Holyfield’s plight is delusionally inspiring.  Here’s a guy who’s made close to $250 million in purses over the course of his quarter-century  fight career.  A guy who still desires to go out on top.  What top is he talking about?  The top of a casket or the top of looney bin are the best guesses.  Holyfield, the man whose 109 room house in Georgia is in foreclosure, remains hopelessly devoted to the fight game.  First of all, who needs a 109 room house?  Holyfield does, and that’s all that matters.  Holyfield, the man who supposedly owes $12-$20 million to creditors, the government, child support, Shawn Kemp, the Somali pirates, and his Dungeons and Dragons fantasy league, remains focused on his goal.  That goal…to be Heavyweight Champ.  You’ve got to love a man with a goal. 

The best part of Holyfield’s madness remains the fact that he could actually win the fight against Valuev, and even if he loses Holyfield won’t care what we think.  Why?  How?  Have you seen Valuev?  He’s 7’2″ and resembles some sort of cross between Jaws from Octopussy and a mangy, arthritic Sasquatch.  Holyfield’s ginormous noggin is so calloused and damaged that he won’t feel the paws of Valuev.  A man, who shall remain anonymous, once bit Holyfield’s ear off so do you think fighting a monster scares him.  Hell no!  Evander is the Van Helsing of boxing.  The fight, while completely unwatchable and hideously ridiculous, will go down as a circus event of epic proportions. 

In olden days of yesteryear a man of Holyfield’s level of delusions would have had to be a victim of Syphillis.  In the 1960s and 70s, we’d say he was trippin’.  Well, FlyMaster is asking for some Syphillis and whatever else it takes to get himself to the level of Holyfield delusions.  He has the single-minded focus of Miyamoto Musashi and the stubborness of a three-legged blind bull that has one testicle yet still tries to impregnate the herd.  That’s what it’s all about.  11 kids out of wedlock?  Who gives a damn?  House in foreclosure?  Houses are overrated.  Just show Holyfield the ring and let him do the crazy stuff most of us can’t even fathom.

FlyMaster Signing Off…For Now!

December 19, 2008 Posted by | Boxing, Features & Opinions | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment