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Various Sports Mutterings from Sportsfly.com!

Never a Dull Moment

The Super Bowl concluded just seventeen days ago, but it feels like ancient history.

So goes life in the NFL.

With the season officially ended with final Pro Bowl game in Hawaii, the off-season is now in full swing.  Team are getting ready for the scouting combine, which begins on Wednesday with workouts commencing on Saturday.

Big name players plan to show up, though some (such as Michael Crabtree and Matthew Stafford) obviously don’t plan to do much while on the field.

Dont Expect Crabtree to Run the 40 at the Combine

Don't Expect Crabtree to Run the 40 at the Combine

Then there’s free agency.  Players such as Matt Cassell, Karlos Dansby and Shayne Graham have already been franchised.  Others aren’t so lucky.  The Bucs have released Jeff Garcia.  The Jaguars said goodbye to Fred Taylor.  Deuce McCallister is out in New Orleans and the Ravens have cut ties with cornerback Chris McCallister (no relation).

Expect more blood shed in the coming weeks.

Oh, there’s also movement outside of the league, too.  Marshawn Lynch was arrested on gun possession.  Apparently, Plaxico Burress is Lynch’s hero.  Lynch has already been in trouble with the law–last time it was a violation with his car (bumping a cop with his vehicle).  Clearly, some players never learn.  If Lynch gets suspended, he might just spend some time with PacMan Jones.

Then there’s the Vick saga.  It’s been reported that the Atlanta Falcons are actively shopping the rights of still incarcerated former quarterback Michael Vick.  Vick’s status with the league is in limbo, as he’s currently suspended indefinitely.  If he does return to the the league, it will be interesting to see how much protesting a given team will receive from PETA and fans alike.  Then again, if Ray Lewis, Jamal Lewis, and Lawrence Phillips can get second chances, is it really out of the realm for Vick, too?

Regardless, the NFL off-season is starting to kick into high gear.  And it’s quite possible that it will be just as exciting as Super Bowl 43.

February 17, 2009 Posted by | Features & Opinions, NFL | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

This One’s For the Bitches

Forget steroids for a minute.  Forget Olympians bong-toking.  Forget the Lakers tapping the Celtics and Cavs in back-to-back games.   It’s time to break out the full-court coverage on the greatest American sporting event.  That’s right, my friends, it is Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show time.  Some of you may consider this coverage ludicrous, cynical, and even irrelevant, but you’re straight up wrong.  If there’s one thing the FlyMaster loves, it’s bitches.  Bitches of all shapes and sizes.  Loud bitches.  Quite bitches.  Black bitches.  White bitches.  Brindle bitches.  Bitches that drool.  Bitches that like pools.  Bitches that eat meat.  As long as that bitch has four feet, she can compete.   

Leaving a Mark at MSG

Leaving a Mark at MSG

On the real side, the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show is a gem of the highest carat weight.  Each February Madison Square Garden becomes the world’s fanciest dog park.  Last week Kobe and Lebron both left their mark on the Garden.  This week there will be all sorts of marks left on the garden.   America’s blue bloods parade their canine compatriots with more pride than when Yury Andropov surveyed and approved the Soviet Army in Red Square.   You know you’re dealing with a blue blood, conceited, four legged spoiled brats when they sport names like “Champion Dulymus Arbuckle on High Quartermain,” and “Winchester Trig Palin McCain We Lost Damnit.”  The FlyDog is named Del.  Keep it simple, muffy.  Now that the backstory is set, let’s break down the 133rd Westiminster Kennel Club Dog Show.

Last year’s champion was Uno, a beagle that took the City by storm and did it his way.  With his dynamic personality and semi-tolerable breath, Uno was a lock to go back-to-back, but alas Uno is currently embroiled in ACL rehabilitation and a performance enhancing drug scandal that prevent him from competing.  The field is wide open, just like the NL MVP race once Barry Bonds removed himself from the league.   This year’s early favorites are Lincoln, a Brussels Griffon from the Toy Group, and Carly, a corgi from the Herding Group.  Here’s a group by group breakdown.

Sporting Group:

The Sporting Group is replete with every type of retriever, spaniel, and pointer you’d ever want to see. While many of the pundits laud the accomplishments of the English Springer Spaniel, and some of the overseas prognosticators are lining up in the Wirehaired Pointing Griffon’s corner, Sir FlyMaster will be sticking to his preseason pick, the Vizsla. The Vizsla is a little-known Hungarian dog that puts all thes other Sporting Mutts in their place. Watch out for the Nova Scotia Duck Toiling Retriever to make a splash as well.

Hound Group:
 
The Hound Group represents an array of body types and functionality. From the short-rotund Basset Hound to the immensely regal, yet nappy and drunk Irish Wolfhound, this group is built for excitement. Don’t bet against the frontrunner here. That’s right. The 15″ Beagle will be victorious, if only because the Charles Schultz Snoopy contigent is huge here at the Westminster Kennel, and who doesn’t like Snoopy? If you need a darkhorse, or darkdog rather, don’t sleep on the Black and Tan Coonhound. That’s just a great name because one isn’t quite sure if it’s slightly offensive or just a product of good-old-down-home-Southern naivete. “Look at the jowls on that coon.” That’s one of my favorite lines from covering last year’s Dogapalooza.
 
Working Group:
 
The finest bitches and male dogs reside in the Working Group. These dogs can be fluffy, buff, ugly, short, stocky, long, lean, but they all get the job done. The Japanese contingent will be pulling for the Akita, while the Inuit population (all 2 of them) can’t get enough Malamute. Well, sorry folks, 2009 is the year of the Boxer. No dog is more elegant in its aloofness, more resolute in its musculature, and more playful when gnawing on the fibulas of children from war torn countries. Give the trophy to the Boxer and stay out of her way.

 
Terrier Group:

The Terrier Group features a bunch of glorified rat and rabbit hunters. If that’s your dharma, you don’t deserve an award show. But since they’re in the competition we’ll pick a winner. Eeny, meeny, miny, mo. Pick the Norwich Terrier and get on with the show.

Toy Group:

The Toy group is a disgrace to the animal kingdom. These dogs are the preferred choice of B-list celebrities, gay mafiosos, old ladies with skin that looks like a well tanned kangaroo hide, and the Sportsfly office. This year it was tough to make a decision, but FlyMaster is rolling with the Japanese Chin for two reasons. Japanese Chin sounds like a disparaging disease name from the mid 1800s and the name “Chin” is Chinese, so who the hell is Japanese Chin? Conspiracy in the making.

Non-Sporting Group:All bastard dogs that really don’t serve a purpose and can’t be classified in any of the other groups get thrown in the Non-Sporting Group. Here you’ll find your Poodles, Dalmations, Chow Chow, and other ungodly concoctions. Put some money on the Bulldog (British) because he’s really trying to distance himself from the rest of these ragamuffins, but his leg length and genetic predisposition for hip problems are severely limiting. Mercy vote the Bulldog to glory.

Herding Group:

The Herding Group features some new entrants this year. This begs the question, were there new dogs discovered last year or has that Human Genome Project taken a turn toward the realm of Doctor Moreau? Anyhow, look for the Swedish Vallhund to make a huge debut this year. Word is, the Vallhund looks more like a shrunk down buffalo with goat eyes and a forked tongue, so you know it will stand out. Other contenders are the Bearded Collie and the Corgi. Either way, it’s going to be a heated competition.

BEST IN SHOW:

No doubt the best in show comp will come down to the Boxer and the Swedish Vallhund. This year’s competition has been switched up to boost ratings. Word has it that Michael Vick will be asked to referee the Best in Show match, with the losing dog being placed on the Signature #7 Rape Stand, where all Chihuahuas are released upon the loser. It ain’t pretty, but it’s sports. Look for the Boxer to take down the Vallhund with some nice punching skills and adept ankle-biting. Sorry Sweden, maybe you can invent another new dog in 2010 and enter again. Until then, 2009 is the year of the Boxer.

FlyMaster Signing Off…For Now!

Best In Show?

Best In Show?

 

February 9, 2009 Posted by | Doping, Features & Opinions, General, Talkin Trash | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

“Hopeless in Seattle”…not this year!

OK.  2008 didnt see the Football Huskies tally another National Championship, nor did it showcase the Mariners coming back from 2 games to none to send the Yankees home from the playoffs, or did the Seahawks go undefeated at home en route to another Super Bowl shot….but, what it did provide was a miserable, cellar-dweller, across the board, display of mediocrity from the entire line of Seattle based sports teams.  But!  I have also spent the last 8 years watching a certain President drive our economy into the ground, pick fights with every country but Canada, and pile-drive the morale of American citizens.  And what happened next?  HOPE.  Yes, hope…as in Barack Obama…as in no more Bush….as in better and more opportunity.

The pieces are in place for the city of Seattle to rise up and bring respectability back to a city of higher standards.  Like the Huskies football team, the Seattle Supersonics (remember them), and the Seattle Storm* of the WNBA, we will look at how and why each franchise/college team has a shot at bringing home the gold.

(* means “nobody cares”)

Seattle Mariners:

Let’s not forget that the Mariners were fighting for the AL West title just 2 years ago.  The only true losses from that team are Raul Ibanez and Jose Guillen, but the youth and the addition of Erik Bedard make this team as talented if not more than ’07.  Seattle has the best leadoff man in baseball, has the $$$ to sign Griffey as the DH, an onslaught of talented young catchers and pitchers, highly touted infielders Yuniesky Betancourt and Jose Lopez, a charismatic young GM and a new Manager that brings winning experience by way of Oakland and Anaheim (I refuse to play the “Los Angeles of “game).  Prediction: 84-78 record, Jeff Clement, Brandon Morrow and Felix Hernandez become All-Stars and the AL West was in reach until Bedard got hurt.

Seattle Seahawks:

In 3 seasons with Atlanta, Jim Mora Jr. was 26-22 building around the anti-christ to animal rights activists, Vick, and establishing a top running game.  Why is this relevant?  Mora not only has Hasselback at QB, but has the speedy and creative Seneca Wallace to work with.  Seattle also has an army of “C” class RB’s to work, similar to what Mora had in Atlanta, but made successful.  The defense boasts Pro Bowlers Patrick Kerney, Marcus Trufant, Lofa Tatupu, and Julian Peterson and have all intentions to add a high-profile free agent, probably a safety (Jermaine Phillips, Kerry Rhodes) or DT (Albert haynesworth, Tommie Harris)…, OR, how about bolstering the offense (Fred Jackson, Derrick Ward or maybe T.J Houshmandzadeh)???

The Seahawks boast arguably the best OT in the history of football (Walter Jones) and have a decent rest of O-line, when healthy.  The receiving corps clearly needs an upgrade, even without the injuries, fortunately, Seattle has the 5th overall pick…Michael Crabtree!  If we cant sign Jackson or Ward as free-agent RB’s, I have no problem with taking Chris Brown of Oklahoma with the 5th pick in the 2nd round.  The talent is there, Paul Allen has the money, and the Seattle fans believe…it is all up to Mora to put it all together.  Projection: 12-4, loss in the NFC Championship.  Seriously.

Washington Huskies – football:

Jake Locker has the running ability, energy and potential leadership ability of Tim Tebow…unfortunately has the passing ability mostly likened to Garo Yepremian.  But wait, in comes Steve Sarkisian, the former offensive coordinator and QB coach at USC, having developed Carson Palmer, Matt Leinert, Matt Cassel, John David Booty and Mark Sanchez.  Couple this dynamic with WR D’Andre Goodwin, OLB Donald Butler, DT Alameda Ta’amu and a solid Offensive Line, and the Huskies could turn in and 5 to 6 win season.

Washington Huskies – basketball:

As of this moment, the Huskies are 12-3, 2-0 in the Pac-10 and undefeated in 2009.  Jon Brockman is a beast down low, and the trio of Isiah Thomas, Justin Dentmon, and Quincy Poindexter get shots up.  There is no reason that the Huskies cant make a serious run at the Tournament this year.  Projection: 22-9 in regular season (12-6 vs Pac-10), should win 2 games in the Pac-10 tournament (24-10), that is worthy of a 8-11 seed in the NCAA 64.  I’ll take it!

All in all, this is a good year.  Each team has a reasonable shot to bring home a crown, although my personal projections dont allow any of them to deliver this year…but in 2010, it will happen!

January 9, 2009 Posted by | College Basketball, College Football, General, Major League Baseball, NBA, NFL | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

What The Hell Is That? Volume 1

 

Sports Analyst?

Sports Analyst?

I‘ve done my fair share of hallucinogens.  Straight up.  Had conversations with Leprechaun used-car salesmen disguised as chairs.  Check.  Made passionate love to an unsuspecting birch tree.  Check.  Believed I could melt a DC-10 with the sheer power of my thoughts.  Check and double check.   That was the past my friends, but this morning I woke up and saw something that blew my feeble mind into a thousand Hunter S. Thompson inspired pieces.  On ESPN’s First Take host Dana Jacobsen was moderating a debate between Skip Bayless and Lil’ Wayne.  That’s right, Skip Bayless and Lil’ Wayne.  Skip Bayless, and the endangered species he wears on his head, was locked into a serious debate about the BCS System with Lil’ Weezy.  What the hell is going on here?  In between debating whether or not Mack Brown did a good job coaching Texas in the Fiesta Bowl and talking about the state of the NBA, Dana Jacobsen found time to ask questions about Lil’ Wayne’s grill.  To his credit, Lil’ Wayne made a good show of himself despite sounding sedated on a handful of percodan washed down with a hurricane.  To their discredit, ESPN has lost the sliver of authenticity that they still maintained.

Here’s the problem.  The world of cross promotion saturates us with these “mashups” that make absolutely no sense, all in the name of exposure.  Being a student and fan of hip-hop for 25 years and a sports fan longer than that makes me realize that combining my likes actually makes me dislike and disassociate myself from both music and sports individually.  Hearing Lil’ Wayne or Immortal Technique or Del the Funky Homosapien speak about sports is as appealing as watching paint wither off my Dodge Dart.  Similarly, I wouldn’t  listen to a collaboration album between Stuart Scott, Linda Cohen, and Jay-Z.  Keep my favorites separated.  Music over here; sports over there.  It’s like putting gravy on ice cream or putting a tattoo of an eagle gripping a salmon on a beautiful pair of supple breasts.  Keep that stuff separate.

If we are forced to digest these cross-cultural mashups then let’s take it to the next level.  Skip and Lil’ Wayne talking sports is cool, but that’s a gateway drug.  Here are a couple of mashups that would really get things popping.

  • Shaq, Richard Simmons, and Oprah Winfrey doing a live television special in which they all get colonoscopies while debating the benefits of eating more kale and endives.
  • Mike Vick and the Dog Whisperer debating on the best housebreaking strategies for Lhasa Apsos.
  • R. Kelly and Michael Jackson espousing the virtues of home-schooling their kids while Charles Manson counters with the argument that kids need to be properly socialized in a traditional school environment.
  • Plaxico Burress and Suge Knight discussing gun control with Slobodan Milosevic and Idi Amin.
  • Pacman Jones and Paris Hilton doing PSA’s and being chaperones for a safe prom season.
  • Jessica Simpson and Lou Holtz co-writing a book entitled “In the Pocket… Keys to the West Coast Offense.”
Endangered Species Headgear

Endangered Species Headgear

Meanwhile, First Take continues with Skip Bayless telling Lil’ Wayne he loves his second album.  Skip you are a retard of the highest caliber.  That kid on “Life Goes On” just called to say you’re a mental dwarf.  Actually, Dana Jacobsen just ate a dwarf and swilled its entrails in a vodka spritzer.  I digress, but ESPN makes that girl wear black clothing everyday because she’s expanding faster than the universe.   Seriously, you’re a sports anchor do some goddamn situps.  ESPN shame on you.  Lil’ Wayne, much respect for not stabbing every one of those patronizing “I know black people” anchors as they talked to you about hip-hop and grills with trepidation laced with condescension.  Skip, Donald Trump called and said your hairpiece is a disgrace to the skull murkin community.  I long for a nice dose of LSD because reality is a trip.

FlyMaster Signing Off…For Now!

January 6, 2009 Posted by | Features & Opinions, General, Talkin Trash | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment