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Tiger Balm on the Rocket’s Sack

Fire Down Below

Fire Down Below

Roger Clemens’ legacy sports more tarnish than a Rodin sculpture left out in the Paris weather for 150 years, but the latest revelations from Tom Verducci and Joe Torre’s book “The Yankee Years” are just way too much information.  For years Clemens’ workout regimen was put on the pantheon of athletic asceticism alongside Jerry Rice and Walter Payton.  “The Yankee Years” may have just revealed how weird a guy Roger Clemens is and odd effects steroids can contribute to deranging an already slightly deranged mind.  In the book, Clemens pregame ritual on pitch days was revealed.  Steve Donahue, Yankees trainer, claimed that on pitch days Clemens would start by taking a whirlpool bath in scalding hot water.  Donahue said that Clemens would emerge “looking like a lobster.”  Okay, that’s not too weird.  Slightly masochistic, yes, but not altogether weird.  Clemens would then have Donahue take the hottest liniment and rub it into his testicles.  You read it right.  Rub it into his testicles.  Donahue continued to say that Clemens would “snort like a bull” and that was the sign he was ready to pitch.  Weird.

 

Clemens’ fall from grace doesn’t need anymore coverage, and getting liniment rubbed into his nuts may just be par for the course.  Instead, let’s think about poor Steve Donahue.  How many kids dream about wearing the famed pinstripes when they grow up?  How many of those kids actually realize that dream?  Steve Donahue realized the dream, donned the pinstripes, and once he made the big leagues he ends up rubbing Tiger Balm on the Rocket’s testes.  At that price, you can keep the pinstripes.  He might as well be in prison and Clemens was his “big brother.” 

Imagine going home at night, washing your hands for 2 hours only to have your wife or girlfriend say “how was work…what did you do today?” 

“Oh, same ol’ same ol’.  I did some therapy on Giambi’s mustache, did rehab work with Hideki, and then rubbed some liniment on Clemens’ genitalia.” 

“Isn’t that a little gay?” 

“Yeah, a little bit, but he’s the Rocket.” 

“Did you touch his rocket?”

“No, baby that’s just gross…strictly the nuts.”

That conversation can’t ever go well.  Sorry, Steve Donahue did you not ever see that Beverly Hills 90210 episode where they teach about “No Means No”?  Rub your own testes.  That should be a rule across society.  Rub your own testes.

FlyMaster Signing Off…For Now! 

January 29, 2009 Posted by | Doping, Features & Opinions, Major League Baseball, Talkin Trash | , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Rickey Henderson – Hall of Fame Linguist

Part Cobb, Part Satre

Part Cobb, Part Satre

The 2009 MLB Hall of Fame class will be announced later today and one thing is for certain; Mr. Rickey Henderson’s name will be announced.  Thank the heavens.  The numbers don’t lie.  First in all-time runs.  First in all-time steals.  First in leadoff homers.  First in third person references.  Before Rickey, the word “I” was the most common word used by athletes.   Now the time has come to salute Rickey.

Without Rickey’s groundbreaking reconstruction of the English language by means of shunning the first person where would the sports world be?  Bo Jackson would have just been a stuttering bull from the Deep South had Rickey not paved the way.  Manny Being Manny?  Rickey Being Rickey is the only “being” that matters.  Put all of the on-the-field excellence Rickey exuded aside and ponder how it really feels when someone you’re speaking to refers to themself in the third person.  It’s quite odd, and furthermore, it’s a little intimidating.  When a person answers a question in the third person it completely removes the question asker from the conversation.  Thus, it is no longer a conversation, but instead a monologue of the most disassociated sense.  Example: “How’ve you been?”  “FlyMaster’s been working on his type speed and FlyMaster’s font choices are improving.”  See, that just sounds cool, yet removed.

Rickey’s gifts to our cultural lexicon do not end with his mastery of the third.  No, he also made the non sequitor, the double entendre, malapropisms, and syllogistic arguments forms of art.  From standing in his New York condo and saying he could see the “Entire State Building,” to telling the A’s “if you want to pay me like Mike Gallego, I’ll play like Mike Gallego,” Rickey channeled the best of Ty Cobb and Jean-Paul Satre.  A philospher capable of creating poignancy from simplicity.  Who can’t appreciate a man who would stand in front of the mirror, nude and repeating “Rickey’s the best” for several minutes with the asceticism of St. Augustine before games.  That, my friends is a higher calling.  Rickey’s philosophical genius bears itself in his reaction to becoming Nolan Ryan’s 5,000th strikeout victim.  After fanning Rickey said “Ryan just blew it by me, but it’s an honor….Rickey will have another paragraph in the baseball books….Rickey already is in there three or four times.”  Genius, plain and simple. 

Here’s to the greatest leadoff player in history, the first left fielder to be inducted since Yaz, the man who could not recognize John Olerud after playing with him on two teams, and the “symbol of great base stealing.”  All hail Rickey.  Rickey hail Rickey.  FlyMaster can’t wait for the Hall of Fame speech.

FlyMaster Signing Off…For Now!

January 12, 2009 Posted by | Features & Opinions, Major League Baseball, Talkin Trash | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Pettitte Rejects $10 Million Yankees Offer

Sports Politics

Sports Politics

If somebody offered me $10 million to play baseball for one of the most hated teams, I’d smile with grillz in my teeth. But I don’t play baseball and I’d probably have to pay a team to include me on their roster. Andy Pettitte on the other hand has no such worries and would reject such an offer.

The left-handed starter said no to the New York Yankees’ offer for a one year, $10 million extension. Though Pettitte felt he would like to remain with the Yankees, he ultimately left the decision up to his agents. Is it me or has sports become polluted with politics and greed? Athletes don’t play for sheer passion anymore but instead $$.

1st Dollar Sign = Power/Endorsements (i.e. Pride, Influence)
2nd Dollar Sign = Star Appeal (i.e. Fame, Sex)
3rd Dollar Sign = More of 1 & 2 (i.e. $$)

I’d consider playing professional sports for a merely $20,000 over a 9 to 5 job. Putting your hobby to work seems rewarding enough to consider a pay cut – Especially if you’re measuring in millions. So it’s sad to see players leaving their teams due to salary. Especially in a collapsing economy where flexibility is a must. Pettitte’s $10 million offer is a pay cut of $6 million from last season and possibly the main reason he may opt out.

The problem is it’s not just the players it’s the franchises too. The Yankees pledged a whopping $180 million to first baseman Mark Teixeira and a combined $243.5 million for starting pitchers CC Sabathia and AJ Burnett. There’s no loyalty with franchises and athletes. People are all about $$ <– Remember what that means.

I guess I won’t understand unless the greed has taken over me…So I’ll never understand.

Skrybe – Keep it Fly

January 6, 2009 Posted by | Features & Opinions, Major League Baseball | , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Recession? Don’t Tell The Yankees

The country’s infrastucture is collapsing.  Automakers are begging on Capitol Hill are begging like Oliver Twist.  We owe China and Japan rent.  Incomes are plummeting.  Layoffs are the new playoffs.  Crime rates are rising.  However, the Yankees still mustered $160 million to sign C.C. Sabathia.  That is the largest pitching contract in the history of the universe. 

Rich Getting Richer

Rich Getting Richer

The Yankees signing of Sabathia highlights everything that’s wrong with Major League Baseball.  In times when the economy is down only the richest of teams can subsist without worrying, and in fact the big 6 (Yankees, Red Sox, Mets, Cubs, Angels, and Dodgers) can take advantage of the times and make themselves richer, thus distancing themselves from the rest of the pack.  The Yankees now own the highest paid position player (A-Rod) and the highest paid pitcher (Sabathia).  Combine their salaries and you’ll see that the duo is worth more than the entire Royals roster.  That’s mind-blowing.  Here’s the kicker…the Yankees are getting NYC to build them a new house.  How’s that going down?  What do you think folks who live in Harlem, Washington Heights, and Brooklyn have to say about that?  The Yankees are the new Kennedy’s (see papa Joe’s business moves during the Depression), building their empire as the world is in shambles.   The imbalance of Major League Baseball parallels the imbalance of reality.

 

FlyMaster Signing Off…For Now!

December 10, 2008 Posted by | Features & Opinions, Major League Baseball, Talkin Trash | , , , , , | Leave a comment