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Various Sports Mutterings from Sportsfly.com!

What The Hell Is That? Volume 1

 

Sports Analyst?

Sports Analyst?

I‘ve done my fair share of hallucinogens.  Straight up.  Had conversations with Leprechaun used-car salesmen disguised as chairs.  Check.  Made passionate love to an unsuspecting birch tree.  Check.  Believed I could melt a DC-10 with the sheer power of my thoughts.  Check and double check.   That was the past my friends, but this morning I woke up and saw something that blew my feeble mind into a thousand Hunter S. Thompson inspired pieces.  On ESPN’s First Take host Dana Jacobsen was moderating a debate between Skip Bayless and Lil’ Wayne.  That’s right, Skip Bayless and Lil’ Wayne.  Skip Bayless, and the endangered species he wears on his head, was locked into a serious debate about the BCS System with Lil’ Weezy.  What the hell is going on here?  In between debating whether or not Mack Brown did a good job coaching Texas in the Fiesta Bowl and talking about the state of the NBA, Dana Jacobsen found time to ask questions about Lil’ Wayne’s grill.  To his credit, Lil’ Wayne made a good show of himself despite sounding sedated on a handful of percodan washed down with a hurricane.  To their discredit, ESPN has lost the sliver of authenticity that they still maintained.

Here’s the problem.  The world of cross promotion saturates us with these “mashups” that make absolutely no sense, all in the name of exposure.  Being a student and fan of hip-hop for 25 years and a sports fan longer than that makes me realize that combining my likes actually makes me dislike and disassociate myself from both music and sports individually.  Hearing Lil’ Wayne or Immortal Technique or Del the Funky Homosapien speak about sports is as appealing as watching paint wither off my Dodge Dart.  Similarly, I wouldn’t  listen to a collaboration album between Stuart Scott, Linda Cohen, and Jay-Z.  Keep my favorites separated.  Music over here; sports over there.  It’s like putting gravy on ice cream or putting a tattoo of an eagle gripping a salmon on a beautiful pair of supple breasts.  Keep that stuff separate.

If we are forced to digest these cross-cultural mashups then let’s take it to the next level.  Skip and Lil’ Wayne talking sports is cool, but that’s a gateway drug.  Here are a couple of mashups that would really get things popping.

  • Shaq, Richard Simmons, and Oprah Winfrey doing a live television special in which they all get colonoscopies while debating the benefits of eating more kale and endives.
  • Mike Vick and the Dog Whisperer debating on the best housebreaking strategies for Lhasa Apsos.
  • R. Kelly and Michael Jackson espousing the virtues of home-schooling their kids while Charles Manson counters with the argument that kids need to be properly socialized in a traditional school environment.
  • Plaxico Burress and Suge Knight discussing gun control with Slobodan Milosevic and Idi Amin.
  • Pacman Jones and Paris Hilton doing PSA’s and being chaperones for a safe prom season.
  • Jessica Simpson and Lou Holtz co-writing a book entitled “In the Pocket… Keys to the West Coast Offense.”
Endangered Species Headgear

Endangered Species Headgear

Meanwhile, First Take continues with Skip Bayless telling Lil’ Wayne he loves his second album.  Skip you are a retard of the highest caliber.  That kid on “Life Goes On” just called to say you’re a mental dwarf.  Actually, Dana Jacobsen just ate a dwarf and swilled its entrails in a vodka spritzer.  I digress, but ESPN makes that girl wear black clothing everyday because she’s expanding faster than the universe.   Seriously, you’re a sports anchor do some goddamn situps.  ESPN shame on you.  Lil’ Wayne, much respect for not stabbing every one of those patronizing “I know black people” anchors as they talked to you about hip-hop and grills with trepidation laced with condescension.  Skip, Donald Trump called and said your hairpiece is a disgrace to the skull murkin community.  I long for a nice dose of LSD because reality is a trip.

FlyMaster Signing Off…For Now!

January 6, 2009 Posted by | Features & Opinions, General, Talkin Trash | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Save a Gun – Pack a Knife

By now we all know Plaxico, aka Plaxident and fka Plexiglass, Burress is a complete fool.  Carrying a gun to the club and then busting a cap in yourself qualifies as one of the dumbest moves in the annals of dumb moves, but the FlyMaster can’t fault Plax for packing.  He just happened to pack the wrong weapon of choice.   What Plaxident needed wasn’t a glock or a concealed .22.  That’s for chumps.  If you want to keep it real carry a Bowie knife.

Save a Gun - Pack a Knife

Save a Gun - Pack a Knife

A knife you say?  Yes.  A knife.  A really big knife.  Guns discharge randomly and can harm anyone and everyone around.  How many random knife discharges have you ever encountered.  None.  Sure, you might not be admitted to the club with a knife strapped to your leg, but it’s a give and take world.  Any fool can hide a gun, turn it sideways, and reinact Tupac’s death, but sporting a knife means commitment, intent, and overall 19th century ruggedness.  Only a well trained posse of Shaolin Monks would dare mess with a man rocking a dagger of death.  The knife keeps it personal, and personal attention is what it’s all about.

So, all idiotic wannabe G’d up athletes take heed.  Save your bullets, get a knife (preferably 8-12 inch blade), grow a suspiciously ominous mustache, and guaranteed nobody will mess with you.  Then you can return to sipping on sizurp, making it rain, and smacking hos et al.  Got to go sharpen my bowie, my samurai sword, and my ninja stars.

FlyMaster Signing Off…For Now!

December 4, 2008 Posted by | Features & Opinions, NFL, Stupid Athletes | , , , , , , | Leave a comment