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Santa’s Naughty or Nice List (Part II)

 

 

SantaGiven that I am leaving tonight to traverse the world on 8 reindeer and spread holiday cheer to all the boys and girls, it’s time to make the last minute additions to my Naughty or Nice List. 

Kerry Collins: Oh Kerry, my sweet Kerry. I suppose you have come a considerable distance from your days of drunk driving, racial slurs and overall shitty personISM. Your numbers don’t dazzle by any stretch of the imagination, but you seem to know your role on the Titans’ offense and have made, relatively, very few mistakes this season. If you continue to rely on the running game and superior defense in Tennessee you should have a good playoff venture. Just stay away from the Seagrams. More blase quartebacks have won Super Bowls (see: Brad Johnson, Trent Dilfer, Mark Rypien) and YOU might be able to add your name to that list if you’re a good boy. Your Christmas gift from Santa: a Super Bowl matchup versus the Arizona Cardinals. I really want to see two quarterbacks go head to head whose combined age is 73.

Mike Martz: Hired as the God of Offensive Attack, you came in and improved the 49ers from 32nd in passing in 2007 to 14th this year. Although San Francisco fans aren’t impressed with 1-2 more wins from a dismal 5-11 record last year, you’ve shown enough potential this year to avoid my naughty list, but you are still a touchdown or two away from “nice.” And dear Lord, what were you thinking on that last play of the game when you played Arizona on Monday Night Football?!? I’ve made better decisions playing Tecmo Bowl. Your gift from Santa: a new quarterback for 2009 and the chance for a winning record… Kurt Warner? Matt Cassel? Sage Rosenfels? You name it…

Joseph Addai: Is it just me or where you listed as ‘questionable’ before EVERY game this year?! And I feel like you missed games for the most minuscule of injuries (headaches, nausea, morning sickness…) Let me ask you a question Joe, do you even like football? The Tooth Fairy traded you for Leon Washington to the Easter Bunny in our fantasy league, and I don’t blame her. I picked Domenic Rhodes up off waivers and made them both look like shmucks. Your stocking stuffer from Santa: Vagasil.

Plaxico Burress: Hahahahahahahahahaha! Next…

Ravens Defense: I’ve gotta respect the resurgence! Going from the 22nd best defense last year to the 2nd best is a more impressive comeback than Robert Downey Jr. this year. For Christmas you guys get anything you want…mainly because I’m terrified of upsetting Ray Lewis.

All of the Detroit Lions: I don’t even know what to say here. You should highly reconsider changing your name from the “Lions” to the “Clubbed Baby Seals.” You are that pathetic. The automobile industry in Detroit is going up in flames and putting families on the streets. The winter weather is keeping anyone from coming or leaving Michigan for the holidays, and you guys are one loss away from the worst possible season in football. Seriously, for Christmas all I want is one win out of you guys. Not for me. For the people of Detroit. Please. It’s all too depressing…

Well I’m due in Beijing in about 15 minutes, so this is Santa signing off until next year. Until then, Merry Christmas to all… except Eli Manning. You broke my heart this year. Yes it’s true, Santa is a Pats fan.

December 24, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Santa’s List

Santa's "Naughty or Nice" List Revealed!

Santa’s ‘Naughty or Nice’ List Revealed!

Chris Johnson– Really, really, really, NICE. The only person in the Volunteer State not incredibly stoked on you is LenDale White who inevitably saw a reduced role on the team after you put up 1,100 plus yards and 9 TD’s on the Titans’ offense. Santa says you’ll get 100 glazed donuts for Christmas. Just be sure to put them in FatDale’s locker next preseason and you’re sure a shoe- in for 300 carries in 2009.

Clinton Portis– NICE. You’re still a motha f***ing star in Washington, and I’m not sure quite how you do it. Jason Campbell (QB) is pretty basic and so is the rest of the offense. Santana Moss helped spread the D out but, Portis, you got it done this year without a plethora of weapons on your team.  Santa says you’ll get a gram of grass and a Napolean Dynamite (Director’s Cut) DVD in your stocking this year so you can perfect your Dolemite Jenkins character in the offseason.  Clinton, you are really weird..but good!

Chad Johnson– You’re NAUGHTY, you prick! You are a crybaby, a selfish d-bag, grotesque to look at with your arrogant gold-plated smile and you just plain sucked this season. I can’t believe I traded Donner AND Blitzen for you in my fantasy league at the begining of the year, assuming you’d get it together. I’m not even coming by to drop off a lump of coal in your stocking on Christmas Eve. I’m just going to treat you the way you treat the Bengals in summer camp… ignore your existence.

Roddy White– Hey man, congratulations. You really hushed all the skeptics who doubted you before the year started. I too, thought last year was a fluke for you and highly doubted you were capable of repeating 2007 numbers, especially given a rookie quarterback and an average O-line to work with this year.  You get a stocking full of love from Santa, and in turn I’ll be burning my Terrence Mathis jersey since YOU are now the franchise leader in single season yards. I’ll also be burning that jersey because I could care less about the Falcons…

Edgerrin James– You’re nice but you are older than my wife. Come to Hawaii with me after Christmas and just stay there for a really long time. I guess what I mean to say is… retire. Tim Hightower is a stud and your days are numbered in Arizona and probably the NFL.  For Christmas:  The 2004 Colts Highlight reel, so you don’t forget how badass you used to be.

Jay Cutler–  Jay, I used to have an elf  up here at the North Pole.  His name was Craig.  Craig would always walk around my workshop talking about how “good” he was, and how much “better” he was than any of the other elves.  I got tired of it.  One day after taking a couple Zanex and downing a few Silver Bullets, I took him out back and shot him in the head.  That’s kind of the way I feel about you.  Your stocking stuffer this year: an ego check.

Aaron Rogers– Kudos, amigo! Mighty fine job this year! Taking the helm in Green Bay after Brett Favre is about as hard of a job as it would be to cruise into Jerusalem after the death of Jesus and humbly tell everyone that you were the new Lord and Savior.  You’ve posted better numbers this year than your predecessor has in New York.  There’s nothing I can leave you for Christmas this year. You already have what you need: a bright future in Wisconsin.

Well, I’m off to finish a few minor repairs on the sleigh and figure out what I’m getting for John Mayer. More to come from Santa’s Naughty or Nice list next week.

December 19, 2008 Posted by | Fantasy Football, NFL, Stupid Athletes, Talkin Trash, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment