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Various Sports Mutterings from Sportsfly.com!

What The Hell Is That? Volume 1

 

Sports Analyst?

Sports Analyst?

I‘ve done my fair share of hallucinogens.  Straight up.  Had conversations with Leprechaun used-car salesmen disguised as chairs.  Check.  Made passionate love to an unsuspecting birch tree.  Check.  Believed I could melt a DC-10 with the sheer power of my thoughts.  Check and double check.   That was the past my friends, but this morning I woke up and saw something that blew my feeble mind into a thousand Hunter S. Thompson inspired pieces.  On ESPN’s First Take host Dana Jacobsen was moderating a debate between Skip Bayless and Lil’ Wayne.  That’s right, Skip Bayless and Lil’ Wayne.  Skip Bayless, and the endangered species he wears on his head, was locked into a serious debate about the BCS System with Lil’ Weezy.  What the hell is going on here?  In between debating whether or not Mack Brown did a good job coaching Texas in the Fiesta Bowl and talking about the state of the NBA, Dana Jacobsen found time to ask questions about Lil’ Wayne’s grill.  To his credit, Lil’ Wayne made a good show of himself despite sounding sedated on a handful of percodan washed down with a hurricane.  To their discredit, ESPN has lost the sliver of authenticity that they still maintained.

Here’s the problem.  The world of cross promotion saturates us with these “mashups” that make absolutely no sense, all in the name of exposure.  Being a student and fan of hip-hop for 25 years and a sports fan longer than that makes me realize that combining my likes actually makes me dislike and disassociate myself from both music and sports individually.  Hearing Lil’ Wayne or Immortal Technique or Del the Funky Homosapien speak about sports is as appealing as watching paint wither off my Dodge Dart.  Similarly, I wouldn’t  listen to a collaboration album between Stuart Scott, Linda Cohen, and Jay-Z.  Keep my favorites separated.  Music over here; sports over there.  It’s like putting gravy on ice cream or putting a tattoo of an eagle gripping a salmon on a beautiful pair of supple breasts.  Keep that stuff separate.

If we are forced to digest these cross-cultural mashups then let’s take it to the next level.  Skip and Lil’ Wayne talking sports is cool, but that’s a gateway drug.  Here are a couple of mashups that would really get things popping.

  • Shaq, Richard Simmons, and Oprah Winfrey doing a live television special in which they all get colonoscopies while debating the benefits of eating more kale and endives.
  • Mike Vick and the Dog Whisperer debating on the best housebreaking strategies for Lhasa Apsos.
  • R. Kelly and Michael Jackson espousing the virtues of home-schooling their kids while Charles Manson counters with the argument that kids need to be properly socialized in a traditional school environment.
  • Plaxico Burress and Suge Knight discussing gun control with Slobodan Milosevic and Idi Amin.
  • Pacman Jones and Paris Hilton doing PSA’s and being chaperones for a safe prom season.
  • Jessica Simpson and Lou Holtz co-writing a book entitled “In the Pocket… Keys to the West Coast Offense.”
Endangered Species Headgear

Endangered Species Headgear

Meanwhile, First Take continues with Skip Bayless telling Lil’ Wayne he loves his second album.  Skip you are a retard of the highest caliber.  That kid on “Life Goes On” just called to say you’re a mental dwarf.  Actually, Dana Jacobsen just ate a dwarf and swilled its entrails in a vodka spritzer.  I digress, but ESPN makes that girl wear black clothing everyday because she’s expanding faster than the universe.   Seriously, you’re a sports anchor do some goddamn situps.  ESPN shame on you.  Lil’ Wayne, much respect for not stabbing every one of those patronizing “I know black people” anchors as they talked to you about hip-hop and grills with trepidation laced with condescension.  Skip, Donald Trump called and said your hairpiece is a disgrace to the skull murkin community.  I long for a nice dose of LSD because reality is a trip.

FlyMaster Signing Off…For Now!

January 6, 2009 Posted by | Features & Opinions, General, Talkin Trash | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Phoenix Suns Hollar at Mike D’Antoni

Mike DAntoni

Mike D'Antoni

New York Knicks head coach Mike D’Antoni recently visited the Phoenix Suns in an emotionally charged game for both him and the city of Phoenix. D’Antoni was the head coach for the Suns for four seasons before abruptly leaving them after a philosophical dispute with General Manager Steve Kerr – Does anyone know what this was about?

Though D’Antoni left on an awkward note, his love for the fans and vice-versa remained in the arena. It was the first time Phoenix fans were able to cheer for and say goodbye to Mike D’Antoni properly. The Suns clinched the victory in the end and gave D’Antoni something to think about. Or did they? With all the changes being made on Phoenix, I’m not sure if D’Antoni cares to think about them much.

  • Terry Porter has taken over as head coach
  • Jason Richardson has replaced both Raja Bell and Boris Diaw
  • Steve Nash is still pissed about the trade and feels traded
  • Shaquille O’Neal is the BIG engine that couldn’t

With all this and more going on – The Suns can’t compete on the level the Celtics, Lakers and Cavs can. I love watching the Suns…Or did for the last few seasons. But their game has slowed down and so has their ability to make it through the playoffs. They do great during regular seasons, but then choke when it counts.

On a purely business standpoint, D’Antoni shouldn’t go back to the Suns. There would have to be serious changes made before he considered it.

Skrybe – Keep it Fly

December 17, 2008 Posted by | Features & Opinions, NBA | , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment