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Santa’s Naughty or Nice List (Part II)

 

 

SantaGiven that I am leaving tonight to traverse the world on 8 reindeer and spread holiday cheer to all the boys and girls, it’s time to make the last minute additions to my Naughty or Nice List. 

Kerry Collins: Oh Kerry, my sweet Kerry. I suppose you have come a considerable distance from your days of drunk driving, racial slurs and overall shitty personISM. Your numbers don’t dazzle by any stretch of the imagination, but you seem to know your role on the Titans’ offense and have made, relatively, very few mistakes this season. If you continue to rely on the running game and superior defense in Tennessee you should have a good playoff venture. Just stay away from the Seagrams. More blase quartebacks have won Super Bowls (see: Brad Johnson, Trent Dilfer, Mark Rypien) and YOU might be able to add your name to that list if you’re a good boy. Your Christmas gift from Santa: a Super Bowl matchup versus the Arizona Cardinals. I really want to see two quarterbacks go head to head whose combined age is 73.

Mike Martz: Hired as the God of Offensive Attack, you came in and improved the 49ers from 32nd in passing in 2007 to 14th this year. Although San Francisco fans aren’t impressed with 1-2 more wins from a dismal 5-11 record last year, you’ve shown enough potential this year to avoid my naughty list, but you are still a touchdown or two away from “nice.” And dear Lord, what were you thinking on that last play of the game when you played Arizona on Monday Night Football?!? I’ve made better decisions playing Tecmo Bowl. Your gift from Santa: a new quarterback for 2009 and the chance for a winning record… Kurt Warner? Matt Cassel? Sage Rosenfels? You name it…

Joseph Addai: Is it just me or where you listed as ‘questionable’ before EVERY game this year?! And I feel like you missed games for the most minuscule of injuries (headaches, nausea, morning sickness…) Let me ask you a question Joe, do you even like football? The Tooth Fairy traded you for Leon Washington to the Easter Bunny in our fantasy league, and I don’t blame her. I picked Domenic Rhodes up off waivers and made them both look like shmucks. Your stocking stuffer from Santa: Vagasil.

Plaxico Burress: Hahahahahahahahahaha! Next…

Ravens Defense: I’ve gotta respect the resurgence! Going from the 22nd best defense last year to the 2nd best is a more impressive comeback than Robert Downey Jr. this year. For Christmas you guys get anything you want…mainly because I’m terrified of upsetting Ray Lewis.

All of the Detroit Lions: I don’t even know what to say here. You should highly reconsider changing your name from the “Lions” to the “Clubbed Baby Seals.” You are that pathetic. The automobile industry in Detroit is going up in flames and putting families on the streets. The winter weather is keeping anyone from coming or leaving Michigan for the holidays, and you guys are one loss away from the worst possible season in football. Seriously, for Christmas all I want is one win out of you guys. Not for me. For the people of Detroit. Please. It’s all too depressing…

Well I’m due in Beijing in about 15 minutes, so this is Santa signing off until next year. Until then, Merry Christmas to all… except Eli Manning. You broke my heart this year. Yes it’s true, Santa is a Pats fan.

December 24, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment