’s Blog

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Breathing Fire in 2009

As another year begins for the Dragon of Stats, some truths need to be thrown out on the table.  Better yet, spit on the table.  There are some facts that seem to get debated year, after year, after year, after year, and yet nothing changes.  Well, I’m here to create such a buzz that things shall change….oh yes, they shall.  That being said, I’m gonna spit hot fire man, and to those I hurt, I’m sorry…… I’m sorry you chose to be blind to the realities I will soon speak of. 


The Big Ten is more overrated than sex on the beach (the sand gets EVERYWHERE – no really, it does).  But seriously…. 1-6 in bowl games this year, what the hell is that? And although Ohio State managed to hang with Texas for a while, they realized with about 20 seconds to go in the 4th quarter that they were in fact from the Big Ten, and thus should not, could not, would not win the game.  Penn State on the other hand, who would have been playing for the national title had they not done their best impression of a monkey biblically loving a coconut against Iowa, got spanked so hard by Southern Cal you would have thought they hid their alcoholic father’s TV remote.  The fact that the Big Ten got two teams in the BCS disgusts me in a Rosie O’Donnell in a bikini sort of way. I could say more, but I must move on. 


Running backs in the NFL deteriorate faster than a hard on in an ice bath.  Plain and simple.  Thus if you think LaDanian Tomlinson will ever be the 2006/2007 back you drafted #1 overall in your fantasy league….he won’t.  Sticking with the fantasy theme, if you draft Jamal Lewis next year before the 7th round in your typical 12 man league, you’re an idiot.  If you draft Fred Taylor before the 15th, you’re an idiot.  And if you draft Rudi Johnson at all, I will leave a Dragon sized dump on your lawn. 


Sports announcers are getting TOO OLD (I wrote that big so that they can see it).  The new generation of sports watchers needs a new wave of younger, not-so-geriatric, sports commentators to connect with.  I’m not saying do away with all senior menu folk, but lets mix it up a bit.  And for all you old timers reading this article arguing that these ancient individuals are good for the sport and should stay, is it good for the sport when John Madden refers to centimeters as “square-inches”, or when Oldy McOlderson (don’t know his real name but he looked like he’d opened the arc of the covenant), when asked why certain schools can’t win, answers “integration” (it was on ESPN)?  I even heard the announcer of the Aloha Bowl (Notre Dame vs. Hawaii), when a big hit was made and gold paint flew off of one players helmet onto another, announce that the second individual was receiving a “golden shower”.  When 80% of the viewers are silenced with shock because of your comment and you unknowingly move on saying “and now it’s 3rd and 2,” your time in the booth should be up. 

Lastly…………And although not sports related, something that must be said………

Who let Carson Daily on TV to announce the ball dropping on New Years Eve.  There is no one in the world I would rather tell me “happy new year” less than a DC shoe wearing poser who once referred to 50 cent as “my gangsta” on live television and actually told him they should “party in DA club together”.  I would have rather have woken up in a puddle of my own vomit with nothing but a reminder of the crab cakes I ate the night prior wishing me a happy new year than the TRL guy….. Oh wait, that happened too. 

And that’s what the StatDragon is breathing fire about!

January 9, 2009 Posted by | NFL, Stupid Athletes, Talkin Trash | , , , , , | Leave a comment