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Give Me a Ticket to Planet Holyfield

Delusions Are Fun

Delusions Are Fun

Some of you probably have heard, and even fewer of you probably care, that Evander Holyfield is fighting for a Heavyweight Championship this weekend.   Holyfield faces Nikolai Valuev in the new boxing capital of the world, Zurich, Switzerland.  Who knew the neutral Swiss were such connoisseurs of the Sweet Science?  All that fondue and Ghiradelli chocolate get that Swiss blood a-boilin’. 

Holyfield is now 46 years old and looking to supplant George Foreman as the oldest Heavyweight champ, but that’s not the part of the story that’s interesting.  Sure, Holyfield is beyond shot.  His best days are more than a decade past.  Sure, we all know the danger he faces.  Permanent brain damage?  Check.  A cruel stubborness that has led and will continue to lead to ultimate demise?  Check.  Really poor career move?  Check.   Sign me up.

Holyfield’s plight is delusionally inspiring.  Here’s a guy who’s made close to $250 million in purses over the course of his quarter-century  fight career.  A guy who still desires to go out on top.  What top is he talking about?  The top of a casket or the top of looney bin are the best guesses.  Holyfield, the man whose 109 room house in Georgia is in foreclosure, remains hopelessly devoted to the fight game.  First of all, who needs a 109 room house?  Holyfield does, and that’s all that matters.  Holyfield, the man who supposedly owes $12-$20 million to creditors, the government, child support, Shawn Kemp, the Somali pirates, and his Dungeons and Dragons fantasy league, remains focused on his goal.  That goal…to be Heavyweight Champ.  You’ve got to love a man with a goal. 

The best part of Holyfield’s madness remains the fact that he could actually win the fight against Valuev, and even if he loses Holyfield won’t care what we think.  Why?  How?  Have you seen Valuev?  He’s 7’2″ and resembles some sort of cross between Jaws from Octopussy and a mangy, arthritic Sasquatch.  Holyfield’s ginormous noggin is so calloused and damaged that he won’t feel the paws of Valuev.  A man, who shall remain anonymous, once bit Holyfield’s ear off so do you think fighting a monster scares him.  Hell no!  Evander is the Van Helsing of boxing.  The fight, while completely unwatchable and hideously ridiculous, will go down as a circus event of epic proportions. 


In olden days of yesteryear a man of Holyfield’s level of delusions would have had to be a victim of Syphillis.  In the 1960s and 70s, we’d say he was trippin’.  Well, FlyMaster is asking for some Syphillis and whatever else it takes to get himself to the level of Holyfield delusions.  He has the single-minded focus of Miyamoto Musashi and the stubborness of a three-legged blind bull that has one testicle yet still tries to impregnate the herd.  That’s what it’s all about.  11 kids out of wedlock?  Who gives a damn?  House in foreclosure?  Houses are overrated.  Just show Holyfield the ring and let him do the crazy stuff most of us can’t even fathom.


FlyMaster Signing Off…For Now!

December 19, 2008 Posted by | Boxing, Features & Opinions | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment